Specifically Conditioned

Social experimentation. So, I spent a few weeks being reclusive and I learned a bit about myself. I sometimes feel like I shouldn't write in this space about things that really matter, about the things that I'm really thinking, because it's like baring my innermost thoughts to people that shouldn't be knowing them. But then I think, if I don't write them here, where will they go? I realized that I'm not as weak as I thought, that there is a depth of realization and impact of the Word that is heightened when you're not distracted. There's a weekly process involved in studying the bible that is akin to having your heart broken week after week so it can be healed again, bit by bit, and reshaped in conformity with God's will. It's a solemn process, but the charge is staggering.

The import of what it means to teach is a heavy burden as well, I really feel like I am drowning at the moment. I feel like there is a world of pressure and responsibility coming to crush me, that everything out there is meant to stop me from getting where my Savior calls and that I am standing up to it alone. There is a balance to be found between fellowship and scholarship, and I seem to be missing have the equation at present. Right now I'm torn between two very different and conflicting arena's of life. I love my job and the ministry/teaching I'm engaging in right now, I have never been more challenged or fulfilled by what I'm doing in those areas. But socially I feel stripped bare, so many of the people who used to be my confidants and community are gone now, everyone's lives are changing, we move on to different places in live, different places in the country, people get married, priorities change, and filling in the gaps in community is a daunting process.

There is community yet to be raised up here, I know that. But I balk at the idea of investing in that. And I am struggling to find places in which to build that community. I suppose that it's all just part of life, but I am not finding it easy. I find myself living in the past frequently, wishing for those days back. I know what is gone is gone and I can't live in the past, but despite all the gains, sometimes I long for the simple happiness I felt then, before the world got so complex. It pains me that the present doesn't live up to the memories of the past, I really don't know what to do about that.

I think I might split the blog into thirds. One for posts like this, rambling, self soothing posts about what is going on in my mind. Another for musings on games and technology, and a third where I would like to examine and discuss Scripture and Theology in many guises. When I think of names for the other two I'll post and link them here. Until then, check here for all types of specific idiocy.