Reclusive me?
Brought on by this suspiciously nagging feeling that I should learn to be "alone," the comments of some friends, and the realization that I may not be ready to have the things I find my self wanting most at the moment, I've spent a very reclusive week amongst myself and my roomies this week. In some ways it has been nice, but, it's also showing me why I dislike to be alone. In that maybe, there's some hope for figuring out why that is and learning to be comfortable with that, but in my case I think the situations lends itself to depression.
Not to say I'm depressed, just off of the mountaintop I can reach when the social wheels are spinning. I've been thinking about the things I want most in life right now... an opportunity to teach and preach the word, someone to share my life with (read: significant other/wife), and a puppy.... and facing up the fact that despite my best efforts and earnest desires, I may not be ready for any of these things should they come to me.
Now, those things might seem only casually related at first, but to me, they are all variations on the same theme. They tie directly into fear of being alone, and they all represent different desires that I have to give. Marriage and having a pet are easily seen as dealing with loneliness, but what of the Word? Recently I've been facing the idea that I am a very social person, socialization is part of the very basic needs I have to be happy, and I'm waking up to the idea that a life of teaching the Word might be very lonely.
Scholarship is not born out of fellowship. Hard thinking is not done in groups, it's done alone, in quiet and solitude, with hard thought and harsh realizations about your own inability to fully understand and pass on Truth. I love being in the word, but the joy I find in it is in the teaching. The process of isolation required is frightening to me, to be honest, it's my biggest area of struggle right now. Trying to lose the fear of being exposed, of being bare but for who I am alone in the presence of God.
That ties into the other issues also, I fear the desire I have for companionship right now is a result of that fear in part, puppy or wife, the motives just aren't right. How do I remedy this? Isolation. So... if you can't find me the next few weeks, or I seem more reserved/reclusive, that's probably what I'm doing. In all honesty, I am not looking forward to it. It has been a long time coming, the need to face this, and right now, I can't ignore it.
Not to say I'm depressed, just off of the mountaintop I can reach when the social wheels are spinning. I've been thinking about the things I want most in life right now... an opportunity to teach and preach the word, someone to share my life with (read: significant other/wife), and a puppy.... and facing up the fact that despite my best efforts and earnest desires, I may not be ready for any of these things should they come to me.
Now, those things might seem only casually related at first, but to me, they are all variations on the same theme. They tie directly into fear of being alone, and they all represent different desires that I have to give. Marriage and having a pet are easily seen as dealing with loneliness, but what of the Word? Recently I've been facing the idea that I am a very social person, socialization is part of the very basic needs I have to be happy, and I'm waking up to the idea that a life of teaching the Word might be very lonely.
Scholarship is not born out of fellowship. Hard thinking is not done in groups, it's done alone, in quiet and solitude, with hard thought and harsh realizations about your own inability to fully understand and pass on Truth. I love being in the word, but the joy I find in it is in the teaching. The process of isolation required is frightening to me, to be honest, it's my biggest area of struggle right now. Trying to lose the fear of being exposed, of being bare but for who I am alone in the presence of God.
That ties into the other issues also, I fear the desire I have for companionship right now is a result of that fear in part, puppy or wife, the motives just aren't right. How do I remedy this? Isolation. So... if you can't find me the next few weeks, or I seem more reserved/reclusive, that's probably what I'm doing. In all honesty, I am not looking forward to it. It has been a long time coming, the need to face this, and right now, I can't ignore it.
