Specifically Conditioned

I am on my own now. For the first day in perhaps my entire life, I feel that my life is my own. Well, that's relative. But for the first time, I am alone. How dramatic I can be at times. But as my roommate Joey moved out this morning I found myself living alone for the first time. And my thoughts moved into the next few months, what that will look like, what it will feel like, what I will be doing. And I realized, that in a few short weeks, my life will not be bound to school. My life will not be bound to the family I grew up with, or even the college friends that I've made over the last five years. Where I go from here is open, and it is up to me. I was thinking what that will be like. Of all the people I know right now, its not likely that more than one of them will go with me. My life in a year will be filled with people I don't know yet. My friends in the coming year are likely people I haven't met yet. Where I will live and what I will do, are entirely open.

It's amazing in a sense. It's like having an epiphany. I'm an adult. Yipee! What will I do? It's scary, and exciting. I have been watching Lord of the Rings the last few days. And the journey of Frodo and Sam has really impressed upon me a sense of coming of age and the significance of that. Sam and Frodo leave all that they have known to spend a year on a great adventure, into the unknown with unknown people, and when they come back, they are no longer the same, changed, for better or worse. Grown-up, is what I would say. That's where I'm at, I'm setting off on that journey, heading to a place where my childhood is gone. Many feelings go with that. Many I don't want to address.

This week has been a week of looking back. A year ago this week was a very significant week in my life. It was the week that I told Mary how I felt about her, after fireworks on the fourth of July. It was the week that I left my role as a Cedar crew member to start one of the most formative months of my life in SLT. Thinking back to that now makes me realize how fast the years can go by, and makes me think of how short life is. Our years are but a briefly open window, and I am filled with the desire to do more with mine than I have so far. Waiting can be a part of life, but I think sometimes it robs us. What is important to us? They are worth waiting for yes... but not idly. And so, I go to wait, but not idly. This year is my adventure in a sense, to define myself, define my life, and to go after the desires God has breathed into the deepest part of my heart. I started that road today, and I will walk it further tomorrow, but my path is chosen, and perhaps that's where this feeling of freedom comes from. Chosing a path doesn't bind us, not if we've chosen well, it frees us to pursue that path with all God's given us, and to follow his will with a clear view, and a steady tread. Here I go.