Specifically Conditioned

Yesterday I was riding in the truck with Chad, coming back from a shopping excursion and a guy on a bike darted through the intersection right before we were about to turn right, narrowly zipping right by the front fender of the truck. All well and good aside from his nearly impended doom right? As the knucklehead neared the curb on the other side he didn't slow down in the slightest and at the last moment he popped up on his bike to lift the wheels up onto the curb.

Well, he didn't quite make it :-) His front wheel hit the curb with a satisfying thud, and then up and over he went, tumbling a full somersault over his handlebars, landing on his shoulders with the bike plopping down right on top of him. He popped up with an embarrassed grin on his face and looked around to see if anyone had witnessed this feat of awesome failure to jump the curb. That's when he saw us, the guys he had just cut off, stopped on the road a few feet behind him, grinning and giving him a mocking thumbs up, and generally enjoying his hilarious misfortune. Rather than getting angry, he smiled back, laughed, and hopped back on his bike.

Perhaps we could have been a little more courteous in exposing his shame, but I think through the whole thing, we made a new and unnamed friend. I was thinking later and I realized, thats just a great way to go about life. Every situation has a bright side, thank God for this new laughter, thank God the joke's on me. Lord, give us laughter to help us through the junk yards... and also, cool junk gadgets. Amen.

Brought on by this suspiciously nagging feeling that I should learn to be "alone," the comments of some friends, and the realization that I may not be ready to have the things I find my self wanting most at the moment, I've spent a very reclusive week amongst myself and my roomies this week. In some ways it has been nice, but, it's also showing me why I dislike to be alone. In that maybe, there's some hope for figuring out why that is and learning to be comfortable with that, but in my case I think the situations lends itself to depression.

Not to say I'm depressed, just off of the mountaintop I can reach when the social wheels are spinning. I've been thinking about the things I want most in life right now... an opportunity to teach and preach the word, someone to share my life with (read: significant other/wife), and a puppy.... and facing up the fact that despite my best efforts and earnest desires, I may not be ready for any of these things should they come to me.

Now, those things might seem only casually related at first, but to me, they are all variations on the same theme. They tie directly into fear of being alone, and they all represent different desires that I have to give. Marriage and having a pet are easily seen as dealing with loneliness, but what of the Word? Recently I've been facing the idea that I am a very social person, socialization is part of the very basic needs I have to be happy, and I'm waking up to the idea that a life of teaching the Word might be very lonely.

Scholarship is not born out of fellowship. Hard thinking is not done in groups, it's done alone, in quiet and solitude, with hard thought and harsh realizations about your own inability to fully understand and pass on Truth. I love being in the word, but the joy I find in it is in the teaching. The process of isolation required is frightening to me, to be honest, it's my biggest area of struggle right now. Trying to lose the fear of being exposed, of being bare but for who I am alone in the presence of God.

That ties into the other issues also, I fear the desire I have for companionship right now is a result of that fear in part, puppy or wife, the motives just aren't right. How do I remedy this? Isolation. So... if you can't find me the next few weeks, or I seem more reserved/reclusive, that's probably what I'm doing. In all honesty, I am not looking forward to it. It has been a long time coming, the need to face this, and right now, I can't ignore it.

I arrived home from work last night to find a very pleasant surprise...

The Trumpet Child, Over the Rhine's newest CD, showing up nearly an entire week before the release date. It was a really great surprise, and although I've been listening to the CD for a few weeks already via a recording of the world premier they did on the radio in early July, there's just something about having that CD in hand. I think it's times like these that I understand our parent's generation's love of records.

The CD is very good, a departure of sorts for them, much shorter than Ohio or Drunkard's Prayer, much more upbeat than any of the older ones... this CD just feels.... fun. Seems like the approached it with a very upbeat attitude and the fun come through. There's also some more instrumental sections, some very good Jazz riffs, and whole CD has this sexy, cocktail lounge feel to it.

Oh!, it also came with a bumper sticker that says Bergquist/Detweiler 2008 "If a Song Could Be President." Which is the title of the last song, a folkly number about music and the divisiveness of American politics at the moment. All that said, my two favorite tracks are the opener "I'm Don't Wanna Waste Good Wine (if you won't stick around)" and "Trouble." You can hear both songs via the player on the website OverTheRhine.com go and check it out.

In other news, Caedmon's Call is releasing a new non-worship CD for the first time in 3 years on August 28th Overdressed. They are collaborating with former lead singer Derek Webb for the first time in 5 years, and as in my opinion all of their best songs were either written or sung by Derek, I am quite excited. More later.