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27 March 2007 

The most depressing song I've ever heard...

What she would like to do
Is get you out of her head
She's tried every trick
She's so sick of thinking about it

What's so special about you
You're an ache she's learned to crave
You're a blade too dull to raise

But she cuts herself
On you every night
She's just dying
To lay down the knife


Yes, it's a little emo for me. I don't know the rest of the lyrics, I always skip to the next track at this part cause it's just a little too much for me. This time of year, it makes me wish for something more. It's easy to be melancholy in the winter, it's dark, it's cold. And though you may be down, the weather plays along to your mood and makes things a little easier. Then spring comes and you feel like you're falling behind the mood of things. The weather is so nice here, and I'm not quite sure what to do with it. It makes me a little sad at how far I'd have to go to find a park or something to enjoy being outdoors. The city may have its high points, but I am more at home in a place like Cedar where you have to drive to town than the opposite.

I'm dealing with a lot of things right now. I'm really not satisfied with my life right now, and I feel very isolated. Being in a new place is tough, but it seems like most of the people that were so close to me a year or two ago are gone now, lost in the time and space that life puts between us. Likewise, work isn't where I want it to be, or even my free time, and for most of the last couple of months I have lacked the will to really do anything about that. I guess you have to get to a point where you really want to change something before you can, and for me, though I wasn't happy, the last couple months I've felt too numb to do anything about it. I asked my dad last week, "Is this all there is to life? Just work and not work and sleep, for the next 50 years?" He told me that well, kinda... and said "life is what you make it." Maybe we have to hit the bottom to know we want to get out, to make it different, and maybe I did last week, but where to go now?

Despite the isolation, God has really put some very good people into my life to help. My dad is one of them, my friends Bryan and Brendan who seem to be the only ones able to call or visit me anymore, and Chad and Ginny who are very patient with me and my incessant introspective drivel. ;-) I think in some ways I just have to let go of the past, potential doesn't count for anything unfulfilled, and if I keep thinking about how great the past was, or how great I thought the future would be, I'll never get around to working on the future that's staring me in the face now. This is pretty candid, yes, but sometimes I need to be candid with people to keep myself honest and forward facing. Ere too long... I'll be back.

Keep your chin up man - stay focused on the positive stuff. You had lots of good things going on it sounded like last time I visited.

-Bryan

And you're right, that song sucks. Haha.

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