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17 February 2007 

This is harder than I thought it would be...

I think life is winning right now. I can't seem to find the place where I should belong. I'm not terribly upset or unhappy precisely, just oddly out of place. This doesn't feel like living, it feels like existing, and I don't much like it. Part of the problem is Indianapolis, part of the problem is my current living and working situations, and part of it is just recovering from a broken heart. Either way, I've never been someone who was monotonous. I've never really just lived, I (despite appearances) usually feel things very strongly, and I usually have a great deal of joy out of life.

What bothers me right now, is that that is missing for me. I am bored with my life, but I don't know what to do to fix that. I'm trying to start a few projects, and I'm laying out some specific goals, but I don't know how to do many of the things I wish to do. I just don't feel like myself these days. I am getting angry very easily recently, which is not like me at all. It's liberating in one sense, but frustrating in another, because it's not like me, and I resent that. How do you make friends in the real world? Maybe it is just a very long process, or maybe I'm just no good at it, but here I am, 3 months in Indianapolis, and still largely without any social life or friends to speak of.

I went out with some guys from work last night, and that was fun, but I'm resentful of the fact that they are all married more or less, and resentful of the fact that I can't really enjoy myself because of my own emotional hangups. Church is much the same also. I'm enjoying the bible study that I've joined, and my church is also pretty alright, but I haven't made any friends there. By nature I'm a very social person, and 3 months of forced isolation is starting to grind on my nerves.

I don't prefer to write things like this in this blog, it's just not what I anticipated the blog being for or about, but at the moment I want to write and this is all I have to offer you. I'm still hoping that the desire to write will come back to me again. That I could fill posts with musings and life and scripture and politics and so on and so forth, but at the moment I'm still struggling to rise beyond my own general disdain for the world. (Ha.) Bear with me and I'll get through it eventually.

I miss how candidly and openly you used to write, so I'm glad you wrote this post.

Perhaps this alone period has been given to you as a extended retreat of silence. Use it while life is not going by terribly fast. God wants you to encounter Him Josh. But you must be willing to sit at His feet, like Mary( Luke 10:42)wait on Him, hunger and thirst for righteousness. It isn't some ethreal concept- it's for real!

I don't know how it feels to be alone for that long, but I know that we have a God who does. It must have seemed like an eternity up on that cross, rejected by everyone, as even His Father turned His face away. He walks this journey with you.

The wilderness is always preparation for the next season ( John the Baptist, Jesus, etc..). Maybe your wilderness will bring you into a time of greater things that you wouldn't be able to handle without going through this first. His purpose is always greater love.

I love you and am praying for you Josh.

I can't help but feel the same as you Josh. I have just graduated and it seems like life is much harder than I thought it would be. I enjoy my job, and I feel really blessed about how I got it and everything. But finding the time and energy to work and live the life I had before is so hard.

I have also recently ended a relationship. I quite fancy someone else, but this isn't going to get any further than that just because of our situations, she is a good 3 and a half hours drive away. But althought it does get me down I can't help but feel so much better when I see something like the first comment.

I don't know if you follow Jesus, but he is out there my friend. It is much easier to say that life is hard, even when it is. It's much harder to get over it and glorify God through it. God is a relational God and there are different ways of getting through things for different people. If you love Jesus or not I urge you to take some time, just to sit. Try and listen for his voice. I know I need to spend some time waiting on God and really focusing on what he has for me.

Good luck with finding inspiration for writing your blog. Really hope that you find time to sort this out, I'm rubbish at giving myself time but sometimes it has to be done.

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