17 February 2007 

This is harder than I thought it would be...

I think life is winning right now. I can't seem to find the place where I should belong. I'm not terribly upset or unhappy precisely, just oddly out of place. This doesn't feel like living, it feels like existing, and I don't much like it. Part of the problem is Indianapolis, part of the problem is my current living and working situations, and part of it is just recovering from a broken heart. Either way, I've never been someone who was monotonous. I've never really just lived, I (despite appearances) usually feel things very strongly, and I usually have a great deal of joy out of life.

What bothers me right now, is that that is missing for me. I am bored with my life, but I don't know what to do to fix that. I'm trying to start a few projects, and I'm laying out some specific goals, but I don't know how to do many of the things I wish to do. I just don't feel like myself these days. I am getting angry very easily recently, which is not like me at all. It's liberating in one sense, but frustrating in another, because it's not like me, and I resent that. How do you make friends in the real world? Maybe it is just a very long process, or maybe I'm just no good at it, but here I am, 3 months in Indianapolis, and still largely without any social life or friends to speak of.

I went out with some guys from work last night, and that was fun, but I'm resentful of the fact that they are all married more or less, and resentful of the fact that I can't really enjoy myself because of my own emotional hangups. Church is much the same also. I'm enjoying the bible study that I've joined, and my church is also pretty alright, but I haven't made any friends there. By nature I'm a very social person, and 3 months of forced isolation is starting to grind on my nerves.

I don't prefer to write things like this in this blog, it's just not what I anticipated the blog being for or about, but at the moment I want to write and this is all I have to offer you. I'm still hoping that the desire to write will come back to me again. That I could fill posts with musings and life and scripture and politics and so on and so forth, but at the moment I'm still struggling to rise beyond my own general disdain for the world. (Ha.) Bear with me and I'll get through it eventually.