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25 April 2006 

Perspective Part II

In the last post I talked alot about perspective, but I think I may have spoken too soon in some ways. I'm having a really hard time right now dealing with the repercussions of this back injury. And I think I'm letting fear and anger get the best of me right now. I could conceivably end up earning only 3 credit hours for this semester, which would require me to stay her even longer then this summer, and cost me thousands of extra dollars. It's going to take a lot of favorable circumstances and hard work for me to come away from this in decent shape and right now it feels like an unclimbable mountain. That may be the negative view of things, but right now I am really struggling with it, and I don't feel okay with the possibility that this last semester could just be all for naught.

I understand that it doesn't matter in a large scale sort of way, but the problem is that right now, it does matter to me. A lot apparently. I don't want to be here in the fall. I don't really want to be here in the summer. And I hate that right now graduation seems like an unreachable goal. In my history 354 class I am going to be missing anywhere from 15-30% off my final grade before I even start, which is going to require me to do very well on the final to pass. Honestly if this were my sophomore year or junior year I would probably take medical incompletes in these classes and make them up later, but I really don't have that option right now, I'm in these, for good or bad at this point. I'm meeting with that professor later today to see about making up the in class presentation through some other assignment and I can only hope that she shows me some grace there. I'm pretty convinced that it's going to take a miracle for me to pass Spanish now too. I have a C+ in that class, but I missed 3 online assignments the first week I was injured, and by the time the final rolls around I'll have missed the last 4-5 weeks of class so I'll have to teach myself all the material for it and pray for rain on the oral exam. I am just praying to get by with a D, how sad is that?

One of the hardest parts is that even though I'm feeling good enough to do some things, many things even, I can't really work at 100% right now. I need to be meeting with the emergency dean, professors, and my advisor to work out my options and make the most of this situation, but the problem is that I still can't really walk that far, at least not all at once. Most of this is just aimed at doing something about the helplessness and frustration I'm feeling right now. And pretty much all I can do at the moment is vent about it here, so don't read this and think that I'm horribly off, just at the moment I'm having a hard time seeing the silver lining.