Specifically Conditioned

Big Things Afoot

2011-06-26T00:02:00.002-05:00

Afoot? A foot? How's that spelled? I'm going to start writing. Soon.

Come back Aug 1st for a big announcement.

2010

2010-10-14T19:03:00.002-05:00

Was shocked today to realize that its 2010 and the summer of 2005 is more than 5 years gone. Life is short.

Stockholm Syndrom Lyrics

2009-07-09T12:13:00.004-05:00

I've been listening to Derek Webb's new album more or less nonstop for the last 24 hours and thinking hard about it. I feel it's easier to digest the message when it's separated from the very good (but distracting) music, so I set out to find lyrics. Well, they didn't exist on line yet, so I typed out the entire album (and am including here some songs from Mockingbird as well). It's one of the few times that being able to type 85wpm has really come in handy :-)

Anyway, here are the songs. I am feeling impressed by the album, but in a Love/Hate sort of way, some of it I think is fantastic and other parts I'm still pondering about why they disturb me. I sent Janine the lyrics to "The State" and we've been discussing it together, and we both agree that Christian Libertarianism just doesn't make any sense this side of heaven. I think back to Derek's song "A King and a Kingdom" (lyrics below) and I don't understand why someone who fully understands that we are citizens of heaven would feel such a need for libertarian government in his own nation, especially parties and candidates that (albeit unintentionally) would do nothing for the rights of minorities and women. Anyway, please comment if you're familiar with DW's music or if you just want to read through these and dissect the philosophy :-) Thanks.

Freddy Please

Freddy please, how could you do this to me?
How could you tell me you love me, when you hate me, Freddy please

You know I love you honey
I bleed you dry with money
I talk when I know you can hear
Cause Freddy can't you see, brother you're the one who's queer

Freddy please, how could you do this to me?
How could you tell me you love me, when you hate me, Freddy please.

The stone's been rolled away
put you're picketing my grave
for loving the things that you hate
but why do you seek the living among the dead?

Freddy please, how could you this to me?
How can you tell them you love me when you hate me, Freddy please...
When you hate me Freddy, please...

Black Eye

Black eye, I'm staring through a keyhole at my lover
I swear you it's not from his fist
Stockholm Syndrome comes to where they're keepin you
You never know what time it is

Black eye is all it's gonna take for me to love you
It's written in my constitution
If you go, you know I'm coming with you
I'm blind-bound by love

Time is no friend to the ones who wait for daylight to come
Time looks the same at the ones who hate and the ones that do nothing

Black eye is what I'm gonna paint for your protection
to cover the tracks that you're leaving
I misplaced my face so we can be together
and red lips change how you're percieving

Time is no friend to the one who waits for daylight to come
Time looks the same at the ones who hate and the ones that do nothing

Cobra Con

(Honey)...you wanna rock with the cops on the frontline?
(Honey)...you wanna kick it with the people in the back?
(Honey)...you strike a match and you throw back a cocktail
(Honey)...there's got to be a better way

Cause it is harder to stay
it is harder to wait
to out-love, to out-suffer them
it is harder to stay
it is harder to wait
to out-love, to out-suffer them

I wanna dream up a world I wanna live in
I wanna spray it on a building downtown
I wanna protest, provisions and a paycheck
There's got to be a better way

Cause it is harder to stay
it is harder to wait
to out-love, to out-suffer them
it is harder to stay
it is harder to wait
to out-love, to out-suffer them

I don't wanna wait
No drugs or sleep
I wanna hold your hand grenade
God rest these bombs
Baptize this road
Lie with us in the bed we've made

Cause it is harder to stay
it is harder to wait
to out-love, to out-suffer them
it is harder to stay
it is harder to wait
to out-love, to out-suffer them

The Spirit vs. the Kick Drum

A one and a two and a chicka booma chick

I don't want the Spirit I want the kick drum
I don't want the Spirit I want the kick drum
I know how it works so I'm not dumb
I don't want the spirit I want the kick drum

Like sex without love
Like peace without the dove
Like a crime scene without the blood
I don't want the Spirit you know I want a kick drum

I don't want the Son I want a jury of peers
I don't want the Son I want a jury of peers
My skin is gonna burn if you see my tears
I don't want the Son I want a jury of peers

Like lies without the truth
Like wine without the fruit
Like a skydive without the chute
I don't want the Son you know I want a jury of peers
I don't want the Spirit you know I want a kick drum

I don't want the Father I want a vending machine
I don't want the Father I want a vending machine
I know what I want if you know what I mean
I don't want the Father I want a vending machine

Like heaven without gates
Like hell without flames
Like life without pain
I don't want the Father you know I want a vending machine
I don't want the Son you know I want a jury of peers
I don't want the Spirit you know I want a kick drum

What Matters More

You say you always treat people like you like to be
I guess you love being hated for your sexuality
And love when people put words in your mouth
bout what you believe, make you sound like a freak

Cause if you really believed what you say you believe
you wouldn't be so damn reckless with the words you speak
wouldn't silently consent when the liars speak
denying all the dying of a remedy

Tell me, brother, what matters more to you?
Tell me, sister, what matters more to you?

If I can tell what's in your heart by what comes out of your mouth
then it sure looks to me like being straight is all it's about
yah, it looks like being hated for all the wrong things
and chasing the wind while the pendulum swings

Cause we can talk and debate till we're blue in the face
about the language and tradition that He's coming to save
Meanwhile we sit just like we don't give a shit
about 50,000 people who are dying today

Tell me, brother, what matters more to you?
Tell me, sister, what matters more to you?

Tell me, brother, what matters more to you?
Tell me, sister, what matters more to you?
Tell me, what matters more to you?
Tell me, brother, what matters more to you?

The State

I was free to live and love and kill as I saw fit
I was at peace there really was no one I was at war with
The only common good was that we understood
that laws unjust were only good for breaking
the difference legalized instead of sameness left nobody free

That was the day before
I married my conscience to the State

My taxes paid, these roads were laid to places of my choosing
there were no eyes up in the skys looking down into my bed
There was no government without our consent
and keys were made for anyone who just claimed it
and glass was all of every wall that framed it
from sea to shining sea

but that was the day before
I married my conscience to the State

Right and wrong were written on my heart
and not just in the laws that condemn me
but now with Ceasar satisfied
I can even do the things that should offend me

The Proverbial Gun

Now I can buy the proverbial gun
and shoot the proverbial child
my uncle looks me in the eye
and speaks of freedom

my conscience goes up on trial
in the courtrooms of the mind
where the judges all have sons
and all the lawyers are wounded

and the backs are broke
and the bayliff is my brother
and the witness is my sister
I'm guilty as hell

And by the afternoon I'm out
I'm on the pavement walking
reeking of salt and blood
No hat upon my head
No shoes upon my feet
Picking your body
from my teeth

No stars above me
No stripes upon me
Free...Free...Free...Free...
Free...Free...Free...Free...
Free.....

I Love/Hate You

Baby when I put my hands on you
I feel like I'm touchin the earth
Baby when I put my hands on you
I feel like I'm touchin the earth
Baby when I put my hands on you
I feel like I'm touchin the earth

Cause I'm breaking ground
The soil is wet, slipping through my hands
Cause I'm breaking ground
The soil is wet, slipping through my hands

Baby when I set my eyes on you
I follow the curves of the moon
Baby when I set my eyes on you
I follow the curves of the moon
Baby when I set my eyes on you
I follow the curves of the moon

And the oceans rise
come crashing down onto the shore
And the oceans rise
come crashing down onto the shore

But your love is a noose around my neck
and I give up and I know I will regret it
your love is a weight around my legs
I don't know who I am unless you're holding me

Baby when I listen to your words
you whisper to me like the wind
Baby when I listen to your words
you whisper to me like the wind
Baby when I listen to your words
you whisper to me like the wind

But their strong enough
to blow me down and destroy my house
But their strong enough
to blow me down and destroy my house

But your love is a noose around my neck
and I give up and I know I will regret it
your love is a weight around my legs
I don't know who I am unless you're holding me

Baby when I listen to your words
Baby when I set my eyes on you
Baby when I put my hands on you
Baby when I put my hands on you
I love... hate... you

Becoming a Slave

I admire these men, brave and beautiful
grabbing the blade from all the wrong sides like children
They bring skins and smoke
We bring shackles and guns
We trade with them and then we'll take them home

Cause it's simple, it's so simple if they're not like us
Becoming a slave is easier than you think
Becoming a slave is easier than you think
Becoming a slave is easier than you think
Becoming a slave...

There's always a price to pay
it's got to hit somebodies back
trust me new worlds don't just build themselves
progress has more than one face
evil is always its self
theres nothing you can change that doesnt change everything else

Cause it's simple, it's so simple if they're not like us
Becoming a slave is easier than you think
Becoming a slave is easier than you think
Becoming a slave is easier than you think
Becoming a slave...

Talk from every head
Product in every word
its under our feet
you know its over our heads
and everyone's telling the truth
in languages that nobody speaks
if you listen close you hear what you believe

to love vision, to love action
to love vision, to love action
to be what you want...
to be what you want...

we want justice in the system
the strong fear for the weak
we won't just defend the system
we won't accept defeat

we want justice in the system
let's reach a higher peak
we want justice in the system, system, system...

Jena & Jimmy

Jean and Jimmy they met at a rally to bring our boys back from the war
Jimmy was dancing he was dancing like crazy showing no mercy to the dance floor
Jena was mindin she was minding her busyness she did not want no company
till Jimmy saw her like a lamb to the slaughter and he coaxed her over with a martini

And Jimmy said...
Oooo Oooo Oooooooo Oooo Oooo oooooo
Oooo Oooo Oooooooo Oooo Oooo oooooo

She could feel it hitting her bloodstream
before she knew it she was up on his chopping block
and he was flaggin down a taxi

And Jimmy said...'
If you give me your love I'll give you my love I'll give you my love
Gonna take one kiss to shut you up and that'll be enough
If you give me your love I'll give you my love I'll give you my love
Gonna kiss your lips to shut you up

She told him stories of social injustices and constitutional rights
He smirked and turned his head, just lighten up he said, baby we got all night
Jena was beautiful and spoke convincingly he listened just like a priest
his best shot at stopping her was if he co-opted her
so he got two more rounds of drinks

And Jimmy said...
Oooo Oooo Oooooooo Oooo Oooo oooooo
Oooo Oooo Oooooooo Oooo Oooo oooooo

Jimmy held her like an enemy
then toasted global peace and dovetailing interests
as he threw his shot back with a wink

And Jimmy said...'
If you give me your love I'll give you my love I'll give you my love
Gonna take one kiss to shut you up and that'll be enough
If you give me your love I'll give you my love I'll give you my love
Gonna kiss your lips to shut you up

If you give me your love I'll give you my love I'll give you my love
Gonna take one kiss to shut you up and that'll be enough
If you give me your love I'll give you my love I'll give you my love
Gonna kiss your lips to shut you up

Heaven

I was killed in a shopping cart
turned upside down and left for dead
I saw a clown try to speak to me
as I floated overhead

I found my way to a familiar place
I swear I'd been sometime before
I would have thought it was the marketplace
but I could not find the door

Oh I have been to heaven
and I have walked the streets
but I couldn't find a hand to hold
to keep me on my feet

so paradise is a parking lot
a spot up front is your reward
and all the rest walked down streets of gold
to the house they could afford

well I got lost in the swelling crowd
and I could not afford to eat
you only have what you came in with
so I'm living on the street

Oh I have been to heaven
and I found no relief
cause I couldnt find a hand to hold
to keep me on my feet

well I heard Jesus Christ was there
he had a car that's bulletproof
and that way everyone is safe
from the man who tells the truth

Oh I have been to heaven
and I have walked the streets
but I couldn't find a hand to hold
to keep me on my feet
no I couldn't find a hand to hold
to keep me on my feet

What You Give Up to Get It

Like sex when you're too young
Like youth when you've got none
Like home when you're too drunk]

Getting everything you want with a lot of bad credit
was never quite worth what you give up to get it

like style made by slaves
like bribes to throwaways
like women who know their place

Like an indian casino and a tank of unleaded
it was never quite worth what you give up to get it

stand back stand back stand back
stand back stand back stand back
You love it now but it's too much
Yah you love it now but it's too much

like fame for what you're not
like joy that you bought
like pleasure that never hits the spot

like security for liberty you gotta admit
it was never quite worth what you give up to get it

stand back stand back stand back
stand back stand back stand back
You love it now but it's too much
Yah you love it now but it's too much

American Flag Umbrella

I'm building a house on the limb
I need something that could stop a war
but i'm beset on all sides
by extremist with eyes on my heart

So I lie to everyone
and I've lied to so many lovers
and I've gotten away with it too
But if God is against us then who can be for us my friends
there's justice for everyone

and please take your hands off my brother
please take your laws off my lover
the agents of law should always be blind and on time
till there's freedom for everyone

and where are your american brothers
american before they were named
they're a huddling mass
no oceans to cross for our shores
where there's fortune for everyone

oppression is always oppression
no matter the reasons or means
for skin or for sex
by stares or by fists
its the same
there's blinders on everyone

I've looked through the eyes of my father
and I've walked through Lincoln's backyard
and there's still a backseat
when you ride on the bus through this town
there's color on everyone.

So we lie beneath the tree of no color
with an American flag umbrella
it keeps the elements out
and it's stuck to the ground in this place
and there's room for everyone

oh I know a way out of hell
we raise all our enemies children
after they've murdered ours
we fix all their scars to our walls
there's heartbreak for everyone

and in the end it will all be okay
that's what the wise men tell us
so if it's not okay
then it's not the end oh my friend
there's hope for everyone

A King and a Kingdom

Who's your brother? Who's your sister?
You just walked past him I think you missed her
As we're all migrating to a place where our Father lives
cause we married into a family of immigrants

So my first allegience is not to a flag a country or a man
no my first allegience is not to democracy or blood
it's to a king and a kingdom

there are two great lies that I've heard
the day you eat the fruit of that you will not sure die
and that Jesus Christ was a white middle class republican
and if you want to be saved you have to learn to be just like him

So my first allegience is not to a flag a country or a man
no my first allegience is not to democracy or blood
it's to a king and a kingdom

and nothing unifies like a common enemy
and we've got one sure as hell
he may be living in your house
he may be raising up your kids
he may be sleeping with your wife
no he may not look like you think

In God We Trust

In God we trust
and the government is on his shoulders
In God we trust
through democracy and tyranny alike
In God we trust
he uses both good and evil men

In God we trust
so we fight for peace and he fights for us
In God we trust
even when he fights us for someone else
In God we trust
even when he looks like the enemy

In God we trust
even though our hearts are bankrupt
In God we trust
for more than just the value of our dollar bills
In God we trust
there's no gold behind these notes of reserve

In God we trust
even through our great presumption
In God we trust
even though he favors the nation-state
In God we trust
even when the blessing is a curse
In God we trust

Rich Young Ruler

Poverty is so hard to see
when it's only on your tv
or twenty miles across town

When we're all living so good
that we moved out of Jesus' neighborhood
where he's hungry and not feeling good
from going through our trash

He says 'more than just your cash and coin
I want your time I want your voice
I wan the things you just can't give me'

So what must we do?
Here in the west we want to follow you
We speak the language and we keep all the rules
even a few we made up

'Come on and follow me
Sell your house sell your SUV
sell your stock sell your security
and give it to the poor'

'Well what is this?
Hey whats the deal
I don't sleep around and I don't steal'

'But I want the things you just can't give me
I want the things you just can't give me'

'Because what you do to the least of these
my brothers you have done it to me
Cause I want the things you just can give
I want the things you just can't give me'

Time's a flyin'

2009-07-08T16:23:00.003-05:00

This has been by far the busiest year of my life, made by no means less so by the decision Janine and I made in April to get married. Wedding planning, while not as daunting a task as I had always assumed, sure is a lot of busywork. I can't believe I've not put anything up since February, but then everytime I come back here to post I'm amazed at how much time has passed. Perhaps I will talk to you again, sweet blog, once we are safely past the wedding busyness. Until then, for any of you who are still reading (are you there?), try this site for more news on the upcoming nuptials.

www.janineandjosh.com

25 Random Things About Me

2009-02-06T14:45:00.002-06:00

25 Random things about me, created by Janine. Edited by me.

1. I have a lot of patience with animals, computers and children. I see hope in the fact that "things are improving" and can spend hours on the same laptop. However, I want to get married ASAP.

2. I like being masculine: hairy, strong, in-charge and protective. It comes easily to me and I see that as a great blessing.

3. I must name my first daughter Arcadia (name comes from a character in Isaac Assimov's The Second Foundation). I know I don't have a uterus so this may be hard, but I expect to convince the mother of my first daughter that this is really her name.

4. I love pulling out dozens of screws to fix laptops. That was one of my favorite parts of working at the Help Desk.

5. When I was a kid, my parents were conservatives but had to register as democrats and campaign for Blagojevich to keep their state jobs. I registered as a democrat in order to get better access at scholarships. In college, I rebelled against all this and became a Christian conservative. Now I'd call myself a left-leaning independent.

6. I had many different campus jobs in college. My favorites include working at the Krannert Center gift shop and working as the team "captain" in the Res. Hall library in college. I like to see things arranged in an orderly way, so both libraries and retail have come easily to me.

7. I like wedding rings with heft. You know, something thick and heavy that reminds me that I'm quite married.

8. I like beverages, especially when they are warm, sweet, bitter, alcoholic, caffeinated or cold. I consume a percentage of my weekly caloric intake in beverages.

9. Before Janine met her roommate Betsi, I had dated four of Betsi's friends. I say that dating is two parts confidence, one part charm. I have quite a bit of both.

10. When I went to Girard, I introduced Janine to the town by pointing out every lawn that I had mowed. There is something so satisfying about lawn-mowing: it allows every single strand to be exactly lined-up. The morning of my first date with Janine, I mowed the lawn at church.

11. In college I would attend classes I was not in (but interested in) and skip classes I was enrolled in. If Janine knew me then, she'd deny she knew my name.

12. I don't usually like mac products because they try to sell presentation. However, I love and cherish my iphone. I could hardly imagine life without it.

13. Thirteen is my favorite number, and I have always considered it lucky, despite popular conventions.

14. I eat eggs more than most people eat bread, milk and water combined. I eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Why doesn't everyone like them as much as I do? I don't understand.

15. I don't really like when women are pastors or when they write science fiction. But sometimes I listen to them anyway, and think they're great.

16. When I read a book, I read every word thoroughly. However, I generally don't stop to meditate on what I read until I'm done. My favorite genres are Science Fiction, how-to and historical fiction.

17. I won the first trivial pursuit/Illinites game the University of Illinois has hosted. However, I returned the DVD player I won the next day to get the cash. I am so smart that I am practical.

18. I'd like to be a patriarch with a litter of children. I know that this is a lot of work and I'm not sure we'll be able to have more than three or four. But, I do dream of being the father of the family: waking up on Saturday and making pancakes for all my children; coaching Little League for my sons and daughters; having lots of sex with my wife. I am a family man.

19. In sixth grade I went to space camp for a week. When I came back, I wore my full body NASA jumpsuit for my seventh grade school photos. I didn't realize this was nerdy until I was 24.

20. I put an outrageous amount of syrup on my buckwheat pancakes. I am a sugar-head.

21. I spent Christmas money from my grandparents on lego sets. I enjoyed every moment of assembling them.

22. I want to get a second bachelor's degree in Computer Science and perhaps a Master's in C.S. after that. I majored in history because I'm good at reading and writing, but it was never my passion. I really love technology.

23. I have fantasies of someday becoming a great grandfather, and looking out on many generations of my progeny.

24. My favorite color is charcoal. I also like burgundy, black and navy.

25. It's a great deal of fun for me to nurture (trees, plants, animals, children) and build (legos, furniture, miniatures, etc) things. I take pleasure in the process of creating, molding and shaping.

Bonus #26: I love Janine Giordano and want to spend the rest of my life doing so.

2008-12-23T17:40:00.003-06:00

For Christmas, and for all my brothers and sisters, friends, and future friends...

I thought that we'd be
Further along by now
I can't remember how
We stumbled to this place

I loved you like a long lost brother
On a bad day maybe I thought why bother
I've seldom seen so much anger
In a face

I wanna do better
I wanna try harder
I wanna believe
Down to the letter

Jesus and Mary
Can you carry us
Across this ocean
Into the arms of forgiveness

I don't mean to laugh outloud
I'm trying to come clean
Trying to shed my doubt
Maybe I should just keep
My big mouth shut

More often than not
When it comes to you
You want whatever's not in front of you
Deep down I know this includes me too

So tell me your troubles
Let your pain rain down
I know my job I've been around
I invest in the mess
I'm a low cost dumping ground

Trouble is I'm so exhausted
The plot, you see, I think I've lost it
I need the grace to find what can't be found

Merry Christmas everyone!

Windows 7?

2008-11-07T09:10:00.002-06:00

In all the excitement over the seemingly functional and impressive new build of Windows 7 (yes, final name) Microsoft showed off last week, has anyone noticed that it's not actually the 7th verision of Windows? I don't get it....

Win 3.1

Win 95

Win 98

Win XP

Win Vista

Win 7

Feels like Windows 6 to me. If you plug DOS in front of it all it works, but DOS isn't Windows. Or we could drop 3.1 and add Win 2000 and that would get us there, but if we add 2000 then we have to add Win ME and Win NT, which are just repackaged UIs of the same builds.

After doing some research I've learned much more about Window's history then I ever intended, but I still cannot figure out how the current build should be called Windows 7.

Microsoft numbers their builds of Windows, also called "kernels" with a unique number for each unique kernel. Different versions of windows can share the same kernel, they just use slight different builds and user interfaces (UI) for each one. Way back in 1985 MS introduced Windows 1.0, this being the first build of windows. A few years later they released Windows 2.0, a completely separate piece of code, then a few years later they released Windows 3.0, the third separate build. It was a little while after that, with version Windows 3.1 that most of us become familiar with the names and systems.

In 1994 Windows NT 4.0 came out, this, the 4th kernel of windows products would be the build that Windows 95, Windows 98, and Windows ME would all be built on. In fact Win 95 was WinNT 4.0, Win 98 was 4.10.1998 and Win ME was 4.90.3000.

Windows version 5.0 came to market under the name Windows 2000, and was followed by Windows 5.1, otherwise known as Windows XP. The service packs are extensions of that build, but they don't change the version number.

After XP, MS rebuilt the kernel again and the first version of this new build we know as Windows Vista. Windows Vista is Windows 6.0, service pack 1 for Vista is 6.0.6001. The key thing here when moving from Windows Vista to Windows 7 is that Windows 7 is still using the sixth version of the Windows kernel, the build number of Windows 7 is in fact Windows 6.1.

I don't think calling Windows 6.1 Windows 7 makes any sense at all. Unless they are going to change the kernel, but with such complete builds already being shown to developers, that seems ludicriously stupid. My prediction is that they'll change the name away from Windows 7 to something more in line with the XP/Vista nomenclature. Or not.... who knows, what do you think?

The Final Piece of the Puzzle: Sarah Palin

2008-08-29T14:47:00.003-05:00

All the pieces are in place for the general election to begin. Obama-Biden against McCain-Palin. 6 years ago this would have been a dream election. Today the two top choices seem much more polarizing, and even McCain is somewhat a better choice then Bush. That being said, onto the most recent addition to the front, Sarah Palin.

I agree with must pundits that Vice Presidential candidates don't really have much impact on who people vote for, they are there to bring their home state, make the front guy look good and attack the other guy. I do think however, that there is a small part of the voting populace that will be swayed by a candidate's VP pick. In the word's of Family Guy's Brian, "undecided voters are idiots." Not in the sense that they are actually stupid, but in the sense that they either don't know enough of what they think to be voting, or haven't looked into the candidate's enough (i.e. being politically lazy) to know what the candidates' platforms and voting records actually are. It's among this small group of voters that the addition of a stolid old liberal like Biden or a fresh young conservative woman like Palin will make an impact.

On the surface, I think everyone is going to like Palin, she seems affable, charming, concise and fresh, but I don't think she is a good pick for McCain's VP. The biggest job of the VP is to be ready to step in and do the job of the President should something happen. This is something no one questions of Biden, a 6 term senator, but Palin is a first term (20 month) governor of a state who's entire population is less then that of Washington DC.

This does give her a very enticing similarity to President Laura Roslin, but in real life, I'm not sure that counts for much.

On the other hand, its pretty clear why McCain picked her. She adds to his image of change, she's not from Washington, she's young and popular, she's a reformer. Mainly though, the McCain camp thinks she might attract unhappy Hillary supporters who are feeling dissatisfied with Obama as their candidate. Now, I believe there are some women out there who are so intent on having a female representative in the White House that they will go over and vote for McCain, but these are the same women who wouldn't have been involved in the democratic primary at all had Hillary not been running. I think to the majority of Clinton's supporters, the choice of Palin may be a bit of an insult.

I've never been a fan of Mrs. Clinton, but her supporters followed her for valid reasons. She spent her entire life involved with the law, wife to a governor and a president, she spent 8 years in the White house, and has become an experienced senator, she's authored a great many bills, debated at the senate level, and been involved in state and foreign affairs for 20 years now. Palin, in contrast, has been the governor of Alaska for all of 20 months, has no experience in Washington, no legislative experience, no foreign policy experience, has never debated on the senate floor, and for someone billed as a reformer of political corruption is already facing her own accusations of corruption less then two years into her office.

She is not qualified to be the vice-president, let alone president should some thing happen to the 72 year old cancer survivor who she's running with. For that reason, I'm not sure this is going to bear much fruit for McCain. She's not known enough to energize young voters, not experienced enough to sway female voters, and unless she's going to surprise everyone, she's not going to be near the attack dog on the campaign trail that Biden will be.

What's more, she makes it impossible for the McCain camp to use their two main arguments against Obama as she herself is young and inexperienced and has no foreign policy credentials. All in all this seems like a poor choice, then again, maybe the GOP is just grooming her for a launch into more national politics in 2012? Who knows, but I think after the initial glamour of this decision wears off, and she has to go toe to toe with Biden on the national campaign, her selection as VP is going to seem rather weak.

Guitar Praise: Solid Rock

2008-08-29T14:28:00.006-05:00

Link Here.

A Christian version of Guitar Hero? The inevitability of this is so amazing I can't believe I never anticipated it. I suppose they may find a good market here in a very captive audience of kids who's parents wouldn't let them play the regular Guitar Hero because of the vile and evil influence of secular music. What remains to be seen is whether the Christian derivative can manage to not offend users with its production value. It's bad enough that Christian entertainment is such a knock off of the general culture's rather then being original, but products like this have a tendency to be extremely cheaply produced attempts at capturing the money of evangelicals, and since they sort of have the only product on the market, who cares if it isn't up to par with industry standards?

That said, if the quality is up to snuff, it's not a bad idea for a product. Christian music is popular, and there are even some songs on the track list that I rather like, and the main appeal of Guitar Hero is the song content of each version. For people who listen to and like Christian music, this game could be a win/win situation. I won't be buying it, but then again, I didn't buy the regular version either. Maybe I need wider musical tastes.

Welcoming September

2008-08-27T13:43:00.011-05:00

Summer is over. And with that official announcement, let us all mourn it not and move into the fall. Fall is a great time of the year, the weather is superb, the morning air through open windows makes waking up very nearly enjoyable, and all the best foods come up for harvest. There's Halloween, Thanksgiving, and my birthday, not to mention apples, pumpkin carving, and the leaves changing. The air will soon be cool enough for jackets, crisp mornings and frosty breath, it should be sad, but it always fills me with the best feelings.

In my last post, way back in May, I wrote about how I felt that because my views, opinions, etc. were so in flux, I felt as though I had nothing to write which anyone would find to be compelling reading. In the intervening months I think I've come to reevaluate that position. I might not feel as confident in writing about something in a definitive or declarative way, but I can still offer my thoughts, my opinions, flawed and living as they may be, to offer them up for refining as it were. I'm grateful for all of you who are still reading, my continual promises to resume posting must be tiresome by now, but I think your faith may someday actually be rewarded.

In this post I won't have much to say, mainly as I'm writing over my afternoon break at work, but it is at times of transition that I often feel the most need to write and update this page. This for me has been the last week of summer, next week I start taking a Spanish class two nights a week at Parkland, and the week after that the small group that I lead will resume for the fall and winter months. This summer saw lots of changes; continued slow (so slow) weight loss, I got a bike and became a "cyclist," I got involved in a new Christian fellowship, went to Cedar Campus, received a promotion at work, got an iPhone (awesome phone, though I'm still embarrassed to be owning an Apple product), lost a roommate, gained a roommate, started identifying myself as a liberal politically, and started a relationship . All in all, life this fall will be much busier then the spring that preceded it, but I've become convinced that this is a good thing.

Not knowing the answer is fine, just as long as one doesn't stop seeking after it. It might even be more engaging to write about seeking after answers then finding them, who knows. I will try to be writing more, one of my goals is to make it a discipline over the coming months, hopefully we can all reap the fruits of that.

(I've just made plans to go biking or swimming with a very pretty girl this weekend, perhaps the summer is not dead yet after all...)

Spring and Summer

2008-05-13T22:27:00.002-05:00

Looks like I never got around to writing the last couple of posts that I thought I was going to. The spring was busy, but I can't say I regret not writing recently. Writing is self involved by nature maybe. The idea that I have something to say that is valuable enough for you to spend your time reading requires at least a hint of the idea that I think I have something worth saying.

Champaign seems very different to me this week. Not just that people are gone, but some people are gone. The town itself seems different to me with the changes that are going on, with people leaving. This happens every year, but this year I have hte very appreciable and growing feeling of becoming more tied to Champaign itself -- and Carle-- then to the University.

I recently purchased a bicycle to start commuting the 4.8 miles to work over the warm months this summer. I think it's actually motivated out of laziness. I never seem to find the time to get a good workout in after work, but I figure if I make my means of getting to work dependant on my workout, the problems will just sort of take care of themselves. I put 33 miles on the bike in this my first week, and was pleased to discover that the 5 mile commute only takes 22 minutes from the house.

I'm also planning my first vacation as an adult. I'm taking 7 days off this summer to travel to Cedar Campus and visit my favorite place. The longest stretch I have gone without working in the last 2 years is 4 days, so having the 11 days off (7 work days + 4 weekend days) is going to be quite relaxing, and maybe a little unnerving.

Theologically and spiritually I feel like I am just continuingly realizing how frequently I am wrong, and how much that I still have left to learn. I would say it is not so much that my beliefs or positions have changed, but that I am no longer so sure that the people who disagree with me are wrong or that being right is all that important. Hopefully I won't take nearly so long between this and my next post, but honestly, until I find something more compelling to write about then my own goings on, it may in fact be as long or longer assuming turns out as busy as I think that it will.

100 lbs!

2008-03-13T21:21:00.001-05:00

My weigh in this week was 235.8 lbs. For anyone keeping track, I have lost 100.2 lbs since March of 2006. 36 more to go :-). That is all, more coming soon on the topic of teaching, confession and 1 John 2.

-J

the march of progress

2008-02-20T00:22:00.002-06:00

ill resume postings shortly. please stand by.

It's the most wonderful time of the year....

2007-12-17T16:34:00.000-06:00

It's the end of the year, and I feel tired. Very very tired. Work, circumstances, responsibilities, I just have very little gas left in my tank. A snowstorm this weekend kept me from being able to go to my grandparents for our yearly Christmas get together. Staying home all day yesterday was disappointing, and I'm not sure I've ever missed one of these get togethers in my 25+ years alive.

I do enjoy this time of year immensley however. I love the winter, the time around Christmas, snow and decorations. It is almost always a very agreeable time of year for me. I feel the same this year. Even though it's winter, I feel renewed in a very spring-ish sort of way. I feel renewed, I feel like I've rerailed the train that got so off track in the past year plus. Increasing responsibility at work is appreciated, but it is also a significant stressor. Not only emotionally/mentally, but in turns of pure time commitment as well. Next week, over Christmas and the time surrounding I will be on call for work, meaning that I need to be ready and available at a moments notice to be here at the hospital. So much for any holiday travel plans I might have made, but since I only have one day off for Christmas, there really isn't many places I could be going.

It's a strange thing right now, there are a couple of trips I'd have like to have taken over break. A handful of my friends are heading to Kansas City to the OneThing conference over New Years, and I'd have also loved to have been able to join Crystal to go up to Cedar Campus and work at the International House Party and see one of my favorite places in the snow once again. Sadly, there's not enough time for either of those things, though after New Year's I am hoping to travel a little bit over a couple of weekends. I'll be going to Chicago New Year's weekend to see my dad and watch the Illini in the Rose Bowl, and the next weekend I'll be going up to Milwaukee to visit my friend Crystal. It has been a while since I've been travelling at all, so I'm pretty excited about both trips.

I'll also be doing some training for work after New Years, so that will be a nice change of pace. I'm not sure exactly where we'll be going for the training, but I know it won't be the same old same old for a few days time, and I'm sort of looking forward to being in a classroom type setting again.

In addition to all that we are going to have a couple of friends staying with us over the college's winter break, so our small house will be up to 5 residents for a few weeks, while at the same time we are going to be dogsitting our pastors dog for a couple of weeks. It should be at no lack for amusement and busyness. We'll that's about it, it has been a long year, and a lot has happened. Sometimes it seems like an overwhelming amount, yet at others it seems so short. A year ago I was living with my Dad in Indianapolis and I was pretty miserable to be honest. To be here now is a blessing, regardless of any disappointments along the way.

Thanks for reading
-J

Recent Goings On...

2007-11-21T10:40:00.001-06:00

My sister was married to Mr. Ryan Ballinger this past weekend. It was a very nice wedding, and went off without almost any hitches, aside from the cake being dropped during transport. Except for that minor disaster it was a really happy time. We all looked great in our tuxes, and my sister was absolutely beautiful. I was an usher, and I even put gel in my hair for the event, which makes now two times in my life I've deemed an event significant enough to break out the product. So, she's not Lisa Ballinger and that's certainly strange to me, she grew up while I was at college and I think I might always consider her that 15 year old girl I used to know, but she's really a woman now, and I am very happy for her and Ryan.

This past week at my weight management class my weigh in was 268.2 lbs. For anyone keeping track, thats a total loss of 41.8 lbs since I started the program in September :-). I feel really great, I got a lot of nice compliments at the wedding from friends and family, and I feel now that it is really obvious to others that I'm losing weight and not just to myself. It actually nearly caused a little bit of drama as the tux I had ordered two weeks ago was quite a bit too big and had to be reordered on 20 hours notice.... but they did get me a new one, and it fit great. My jacket size dropped from a 58 to a 48, the pants from 53 to 44, and my neck from 18.5 to 16 :-) It was a good problem to have, and I am just feeling very good about my physical health in general for the first time in a long while.

Speaking of physical health, I spent part of this past weekend in the emergency room as well with some severe abdominal/back pain. I wasn't sure what was causing the constant, intense pain all of Saturday night, so I finally gave up and went to the hospital. They shot my up with some morphine and did all sorts of fun tests that involved taking my blood and running me through tubes and generally poking me everywhere. In the end, I had some pain so intense that it made me scream in agony through the 5 mL of morphine they gave me, and then it was over. They suspect I may have passed a kidney stone, which is supposed to be one of the most painful things possible, but luckily, I was high on the morphine, so I only got a partial jolt. All the same, it was the worst pain I've ever experienced, and I've spent the last 3 days recovering.

This weekend I'm going home for the traditional Thanksgiving at my great grandfather's on Thursday and then up to my dad's with my sister and her husband for a weekend thing. It should be fun. I'm also looking forward to playing through the rest of Super Mario Galaxy and Mass Effect in the upcoming weeks. Mass Effect so far is one of the most cinematic games I've ever played, and the story is something worth paying attention to as well.

Have a happy Thanksgiving everyone, thanks for reading.

Quarter Century Mark.

2007-11-13T20:55:00.000-06:00

Welp, I'm older. I'm glad these days only come once a year.

The Spark that Starts the Fire

2007-11-06T09:15:00.000-06:00

Every so often I start to feeling like I should have been a journalist. I have no idea where this comes from, as I'm not particularly investigative or a gifted writer or especially curious, it's just that I see a great deal of value in that field, and secretly I wish that I had the talents to pull it off.

I don't think I would have found journalism so intriguing in the past, even ten years or so ago, the mediums by which journalism came across to it's audience were very stolid and intimidating to anyone not in the biz. It's most likely that when I am feeling journalistic it's because I've been recently participating in social journalism or journalistic communities. Things like social news networks, blogs and podcasting have made journalism something of an everyday hobby for many now, even if their "readership" is limited to their mothers and 3 whackjobs with the same point of view.

In particular, podcasting intrigues me a great deal. I would really like to start a podcast, the problem of course, is picking a subject and finding like minded people to join me in producing it. I suppose I can think of a great number of topics to debate over and a great deal of information that I could be discussing and broadcasting over the interwebs, but the problem is I don't know that any of it is particularly interesting or that I have a particularly unique point of view that would intrigue people to actually listen.

The two topics that come first to mind when I consider this idea are tech/gaming and theology. The guys over at Penny-Arcade have done the tech/gaming thing so well, they turned a hobby of blogging, podcasting and comic drawing into one of the most popular websites for commentary on the video game industry on the web. I would love to be able to turn my own hobbies and passions into such a productive vehicle for the exchange of ideas.

There is a need in each of us I think to express creativity in some special way like that. I have never really considered myself a creative person, a creative wannabe perhaps, I tend to gravitate to the company of writers, artists and musicians, because I so enjoy that process. Creation is a divine activity. It's one the foremost characteristics of God, and being made in his image, we all have the spark of creative desire in some form or another.

Sometimes when I think on this I am amazed at the seeming lack of creativity in Christian "culture." I use the quotes there because I don't feel like there should be a Christian "culture," but since there is, I think it needs to be set apart somehow. The primary reason I don't listen to Christ centered music or read Christ centered literature is that it is so incredibly unoriginal most of the time. Occasionally I run across those rare groups who are truly creative, and I love those moments of discovery, but most of the time I am just saddened by the lack of anything new in these mediums.

There is something sacred about new experiences. Think on it, we measure life by firsts, first steps, first words, first love, first kiss, the birth of a child, the first time you saw your favorite movie, read your favorite book, or heard your favorite song. There is the magic of originality in those moments, and once untapped, cannot be gotten back. It is so sad and a shame that our society seems so in the practice of recycling everything into a state of gray mush. Sequels and the same old TV shows. The same 3 chords in every praise chorus.

Where does my journalistic desire come in? I'm not sure. I certainly enjoy exploring my hobbies to the fullest extent possible. To enjoy something for me is to really know it, I just don't know how to casually dip into hobbies. And to share that joy and knowledge for me is in many ways a fulfillment of purpose. I want to take these things that I'm passionate about and know them thoroughly and then share that with others. Is that creative? I suppose it can be.

I think for me, this creative calling will exist in contextualizing my passions to make them more accessible for others, be this technology and games, or, as I feel is truly my calling, the Word of God and his gospel and glory, there is an impulse within me to do these things that comes only from the original creator. So praise God with your creativity, enjoy the new things in life, and shout for beauty when you find it.

Ch Ch Changes...

2007-10-24T12:02:00.001-05:00

There are a few things in my life right now that are coming to a head and are looking like they are going to culminate in quite a few changes to my life. Obviously, Lonny coming home (though I think his name will soon be Calvin Augustus) is a big change, but there are some other things changing right now as well.

For the last couple months I've been leading a small group for my church here in town, and through that and some other avenues, I am really starting to develop some gifts of study and meditation. What's more, I now feel fully confirmed that I am going to enroll in seminary next year and work on a Masters in Divinity or Theology over the next few years. I don't know yet that I'm going to be a vocational pastor or teacher, but I know that that is what I should be preparing for. There are some other exciting though scary ministry opportunities on the horizon too. Maybe a chance to work in youth ministry as well as some opportunities to serve and train in different settings.

Another change is in clothes. I am going to be buying new pants this week. Now, normally this would not be so incredibly exciting, aside from the fact that I'm going to be buying pants 4 inches smaller than then one's I've been wearing. See, for the past several weeks I've been involved with a program at Carle involving strict diet and regular exercise, changing lifestyle and all that jazz. I haven't written anything about it yet, cause I didn't want to be too expectant, so if you didn't actually see me not eating anything except for this program food, you wouldn't really know that much was different. But after my weigh in last night, I'm pretty excited to announce that I've lost 20 lbs so far. It's a nice start, but there is still a long way to go before I reach my goal, but I wanted to share that and I hope you guys will keep challenging me as I go forward.

A year ago I wouldn't have expected myself to be here. Truth be told I had very different plans, but I think that God has been good in brining me where he has. There are elements of community and companionship that if I am honest, I feel are still missing, but when I sit and think about it I realize how very blessed I am. Would I have been happier going my own way? Who knows? But I'm glad to be where I am.

Random thought: I can't believe its almost time to think about Christmas. This is the first year of my life I'll be decorating my own place. I need to figure out how to get a tree and lights and all that stuff. I don't think I have any ornaments of my own though.... hmmm. So strange, starting new traditions.

Meet Lonny...

2007-10-19T13:56:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone! I'm Lonny, owwwww! I'm going to be moving in with Josh this Tuesday, I'm so excited, I hope he doesn't change my name, cause I heard he was thinking about it.... woah, was that a rabbit? Nevermind, anyway come and meet me and bring some treats!... Woah, that is definitely a rabbit! Bye!

Hopefully Lonny got his message across, but if you missed it. I'm getting a dog! Yay! Come and visit us.

I guess the carrot's gonna dangle at least another year...

2007-09-22T00:17:00.000-05:00

Social experimentation. So, I spent a few weeks being reclusive and I learned a bit about myself. I sometimes feel like I shouldn't write in this space about things that really matter, about the things that I'm really thinking, because it's like baring my innermost thoughts to people that shouldn't be knowing them. But then I think, if I don't write them here, where will they go? I realized that I'm not as weak as I thought, that there is a depth of realization and impact of the Word that is heightened when you're not distracted. There's a weekly process involved in studying the bible that is akin to having your heart broken week after week so it can be healed again, bit by bit, and reshaped in conformity with God's will. It's a solemn process, but the charge is staggering.

The import of what it means to teach is a heavy burden as well, I really feel like I am drowning at the moment. I feel like there is a world of pressure and responsibility coming to crush me, that everything out there is meant to stop me from getting where my Savior calls and that I am standing up to it alone. There is a balance to be found between fellowship and scholarship, and I seem to be missing have the equation at present. Right now I'm torn between two very different and conflicting arena's of life. I love my job and the ministry/teaching I'm engaging in right now, I have never been more challenged or fulfilled by what I'm doing in those areas. But socially I feel stripped bare, so many of the people who used to be my confidants and community are gone now, everyone's lives are changing, we move on to different places in live, different places in the country, people get married, priorities change, and filling in the gaps in community is a daunting process.

There is community yet to be raised up here, I know that. But I balk at the idea of investing in that. And I am struggling to find places in which to build that community. I suppose that it's all just part of life, but I am not finding it easy. I find myself living in the past frequently, wishing for those days back. I know what is gone is gone and I can't live in the past, but despite all the gains, sometimes I long for the simple happiness I felt then, before the world got so complex. It pains me that the present doesn't live up to the memories of the past, I really don't know what to do about that.

I think I might split the blog into thirds. One for posts like this, rambling, self soothing posts about what is going on in my mind. Another for musings on games and technology, and a third where I would like to examine and discuss Scripture and Theology in many guises. When I think of names for the other two I'll post and link them here. Until then, check here for all types of specific idiocy.

That Kid flipped His Bike!

2007-08-30T17:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was riding in the truck with Chad, coming back from a shopping excursion and a guy on a bike darted through the intersection right before we were about to turn right, narrowly zipping right by the front fender of the truck. All well and good aside from his nearly impended doom right? As the knucklehead neared the curb on the other side he didn't slow down in the slightest and at the last moment he popped up on his bike to lift the wheels up onto the curb.

Well, he didn't quite make it :-) His front wheel hit the curb with a satisfying thud, and then up and over he went, tumbling a full somersault over his handlebars, landing on his shoulders with the bike plopping down right on top of him. He popped up with an embarrassed grin on his face and looked around to see if anyone had witnessed this feat of awesome failure to jump the curb. That's when he saw us, the guys he had just cut off, stopped on the road a few feet behind him, grinning and giving him a mocking thumbs up, and generally enjoying his hilarious misfortune. Rather than getting angry, he smiled back, laughed, and hopped back on his bike.

Perhaps we could have been a little more courteous in exposing his shame, but I think through the whole thing, we made a new and unnamed friend. I was thinking later and I realized, thats just a great way to go about life. Every situation has a bright side, thank God for this new laughter, thank God the joke's on me. Lord, give us laughter to help us through the junk yards... and also, cool junk gadgets. Amen.

Reclusive me?

2007-08-23T16:52:00.000-05:00

Brought on by this suspiciously nagging feeling that I should learn to be "alone," the comments of some friends, and the realization that I may not be ready to have the things I find my self wanting most at the moment, I've spent a very reclusive week amongst myself and my roomies this week. In some ways it has been nice, but, it's also showing me why I dislike to be alone. In that maybe, there's some hope for figuring out why that is and learning to be comfortable with that, but in my case I think the situations lends itself to depression.

Not to say I'm depressed, just off of the mountaintop I can reach when the social wheels are spinning. I've been thinking about the things I want most in life right now... an opportunity to teach and preach the word, someone to share my life with (read: significant other/wife), and a puppy.... and facing up the fact that despite my best efforts and earnest desires, I may not be ready for any of these things should they come to me.

Now, those things might seem only casually related at first, but to me, they are all variations on the same theme. They tie directly into fear of being alone, and they all represent different desires that I have to give. Marriage and having a pet are easily seen as dealing with loneliness, but what of the Word? Recently I've been facing the idea that I am a very social person, socialization is part of the very basic needs I have to be happy, and I'm waking up to the idea that a life of teaching the Word might be very lonely.

Scholarship is not born out of fellowship. Hard thinking is not done in groups, it's done alone, in quiet and solitude, with hard thought and harsh realizations about your own inability to fully understand and pass on Truth. I love being in the word, but the joy I find in it is in the teaching. The process of isolation required is frightening to me, to be honest, it's my biggest area of struggle right now. Trying to lose the fear of being exposed, of being bare but for who I am alone in the presence of God.

That ties into the other issues also, I fear the desire I have for companionship right now is a result of that fear in part, puppy or wife, the motives just aren't right. How do I remedy this? Isolation. So... if you can't find me the next few weeks, or I seem more reserved/reclusive, that's probably what I'm doing. In all honesty, I am not looking forward to it. It has been a long time coming, the need to face this, and right now, I can't ignore it.

The Trumpet Child Awakes

2007-08-18T12:05:00.000-05:00

I arrived home from work last night to find a very pleasant surprise...

The Trumpet Child, Over the Rhine's newest CD, showing up nearly an entire week before the release date. It was a really great surprise, and although I've been listening to the CD for a few weeks already via a recording of the world premier they did on the radio in early July, there's just something about having that CD in hand. I think it's times like these that I understand our parent's generation's love of records.

The CD is very good, a departure of sorts for them, much shorter than Ohio or Drunkard's Prayer, much more upbeat than any of the older ones... this CD just feels.... fun. Seems like the approached it with a very upbeat attitude and the fun come through. There's also some more instrumental sections, some very good Jazz riffs, and whole CD has this sexy, cocktail lounge feel to it.

Oh!, it also came with a bumper sticker that says Bergquist/Detweiler 2008 "If a Song Could Be President." Which is the title of the last song, a folkly number about music and the divisiveness of American politics at the moment. All that said, my two favorite tracks are the opener "I'm Don't Wanna Waste Good Wine (if you won't stick around)" and "Trouble." You can hear both songs via the player on the website OverTheRhine.com go and check it out.

In other news, Caedmon's Call is releasing a new non-worship CD for the first time in 3 years on August 28th Overdressed. They are collaborating with former lead singer Derek Webb for the first time in 5 years, and as in my opinion all of their best songs were either written or sung by Derek, I am quite excited. More later.

The Word and Spirit

2007-07-13T15:50:00.000-05:00

For many years in my life I've felt plagued by the pull between the freedom of worship and expression that I saw in the charismatic churches and organizations I've been a part of and the soundness of doctrine, depth of knowledge of God and the Word, and personal faith I've witnessed in more reformed churches. I myself have alternated between the two, never quite comfortable in either, but longing for both, and always feeling that I had to choose between either greater communion with God or greater knowledge of God. I spent a lot of time skeptical of both sides, but recognizing the inherent naturalness of both at the same time.

It wasn't until this past weekend that I feel like my personal history with the church has had any significance, but I believe not only are both aspects to be embraced and celebrated parts of our worship and discipleship of Christ, but also that they are fundamentally crucial to knowing both God and self in truth, and being able to share and speak that truth to those around us. What follows is an article by John Armstrong, reposted here from his blog on www.theresurgence.com, a site of theological teaching and musings affiliated with the Acts 29 church planting network and Mars Hill Seattle. If you have the inclination, I invite you to read it. God has called me to this marriage of evangelicalism and mysticism, and I have found this article profoundly useful at illustrating the differences between the two and the fundamental flaw in thinking them opposing forces. So please, read, digest and share your thoughts back in the comments section.

There is a widespread and growing interest in mysticism in our time. This is especially evident among younger Christians who hunger for something beyond rational categories of faith. But the word mysticism is notoriously difficult to explain since definitions vary from one writer to the next, both in the ancient world and the modern. The most fruitful line of approach is to examine mystical experiences for common patterns.

By mysticism I am referring to a deep experience (or a compelling sense) of union with, and knowledge of, the divine reality granted graciously by God. Mystical experience, at least in Christian thought, is usually preceded by the practice of contemplation and asceticism and results in a sense of disclosure, not mere subjectivity. Furthermore a deep, and deepening, sense of joy and exultation, joined with an overwhelming sense of presence (the nearness of the transcendent) commonly mark true mysticism. And true mysticism has a highly personal quality and, in serious Christian thought, (ideally) results in a deeper love for others.

Evangelicals have generally responded negatively toward mysticism and mystical experience. Whereas mysticism placed the emphasis in spirituality upon the immanence (nearness) of God, the evangelical tradition placed its emphasis in spirituality upon the transcendence (otherness) of God. The first emphasis stressed God's activity in the creation and human history while the second stressed God's holiness and separateness from the creation. The danger for the mystic is the same in every age-monism, all is one and one is all. The danger for the evangelical is also the same in every age-dualism. The Christian mystic will admit that God is other than man for two reasons: (1) God is the Creator and, (2) Man is finite. But the mystic will often miss the proper emphasis upon the primary reason why God and man are separate-God is holy and man is sinful. This is what the evangelical has rightly wanted to protect. The Christian philosopher Kierkegaard understood this correctly when he affirmed that biblical theology never taught "the unity of the divine and the human" or "the identity of subject and object" (Concluding Unscientific Postscript, Princeton University Press, 1944, 290). For this reason the mystic will stress the continuity between God and man while the evangelical will stress the discontinuity. Both are true and often the problem is in the emphasis, or the lack of proper balance.

Evangelical theologian, Donald G. Bloesch, correctly notes: "Only God himself can bridge the infinite gulf which separates man from his Maker, and God has done this in the incarnation of Jesus Christ" (The Crisis of Piety: Essays Toward a Theology of the Christian Life, Colorado Springs: Helmers & Howard, 1988, 91). This truth must be kept central in dealing with the various types of mysticism that are being recovered by the modern church.

Theologian Emil Brunner correctly argued that in evangelical piety faith is a divine-human encounter. It is not being touched by the mystery, or hearing the rush of angel wings. It is not sensory experience or inner contemplation by itself. Nor is it assent to a knowledge that is devoid of all rational content. God reveals himself to us by means of his Word. Christian experience does not transcend all reason. For the evangelical, true faith does not deny reason but rather goes beyond it by converting and transforming reason. We come to know God, not by looking into our inner being, or by contemplating a light that lives inside of us, but by trusting the ever living One who is revealed to us in Holy Scripture. The truth is revealed, not concealed. Brunner again understood this when he rightly said, "Faith . . . declares truth is in God's own Word alone; and what is in me is not truth" (The Word and the World, London: SCM, 1931, 76-77). Calvin properly stressed that there are two parts to true knowledge, the knowledge of God and the knowledge of self. And Donald Bloesch gets the correct approach when he concludes: "Self-knowledge does not lead to God-knowledge, but rather God-knowledge makes self-knowledge possible" (The Crisis of Piety, 91).

While mysticism has not produced great Christ-centered preaching and disciplemaking, especially since mysticism has often focused upon a personal knowing that is inherently esoteric, modern evangelicals have made a huge mistake by denying that Christian faith and life have a mystical element in them. There has always been, in the best evangelical Christianity, an emphasis on Christ within us, the hope of glory (Colossians 1:27).

In my own journey I have encountered this modern rise of interest in mysticism, with the inherent problems noted above. This rise can be especially seen in an area where I have done a good bit of graduate level teaching, and an area which forms one of the three core commitments of ACT 3-spiritual formation. But I am attracted to this emphasis. Why? I have often lived the very opposite of mysticism, a kind of rationalistic orthodoxy that sought to remove subjective feelings and to stifle enthusiasm. The very emphasis of much of the evangelism that I have practiced and taught has been on facts and faith, not feelings. Faith, I once argued, consisted in having personal confidence in the promises of God in Christ alone. There was little or no emphasis upon faith as relationship with a person. But faith is surely more than accepting propositions in the Bible. It clearly involves a mystical sharing in Christ in John 17. There is a real and experienced communion between the vine and the branches in John's thought in John 15 as well. And what do you do with John 6:52-58 when Jesus says that his disciples will eat his flesh and drink his blood? Many evangelicals have so fallen into rationalism that they insist these texts can only mean something that is totally "symbolic." This is why they treat the Lord's Supper as they do and thus end up concluding that eating Christ's flesh and drinking his blood must have all the various qualifiers so they can avoid the obvious (mystical) reality insisted upon in the biblical context.

The text that most convinces me of these essential truths is 2 Peter 1:4 which plainly says that we who believe "become participants of the divine nature," the very text the Eastern Orthodox Church uses to properly stress the mystery of our personal sharing in God's nature.

Paul's favorite word for this reality is the oft-used metaphor "in Christ." He even refers to the Lord's Supper as a "participation" (literally a koinonia) in the body and blood of Christ (1 Corinthians 10:16). Perhaps the supreme Pauline text regarding this emphasis is the oft-quoted, and almost always misunderstood, text of Galatians 2:20: "It is no longer I who live, but it is Christ who lives in me. And the life I now life in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Radical mysticism seeks to dissolve the subject-object relationship between me and God, rationalism and intellectualism stresses our radical apartness without the biblical note of personalism. Bloesch is thus right to conclude that "there is no dissolution of personality, but rather losing oneself and finding oneself again in God" and "biblical faith speaks also of the intimate communion, even union, between the I and the Thou" (Crisis of Piety, 98). The great theologian, Karl Barth, also pointed to this mystery in faith when he correctly concluded that "it is not God who stands before us if He does not stand before us in such a way that He is and remains a mystery to us. Mystery means that He remains the One whom we know only because He gives Himself to be known" (Church Dogmatics, Edinburgh: T & T Clark, 1957, II:1:41).

We are not called to place our trust in either experience or rational insights. We are called to have faith in Christ as he is revealed to us, by the Holy Spirit, in Scripture. Luther said that here was the major difference between the natural and the spiritual person. The natural sees and evaluates everything on the basis of what is seen and felt. The spiritual person is not guided by what is seen or felt but rather by listening to God's Word and following "Him into the darkness" (Luther's Works, 22:306).

But the better emphases of Christian mysticism have certain elements that are needed by modern evangelicals. For example, a proper mystical emphasis teaches us not to trust reason or sense. Faith is not a leap in the dark, as is sometimes said, but a leaning into Christ and his promises that provides, by the Spirit, its own evidence. This evidence is neither in "device nor creed" but in the assurance of our forgiveness in Christ and the evidence of new life by and in the Holy Spirit.

Another vital element of biblical Christianity that is very often missing among modern evangelicals is truth that conversion is only the beginning of a process. A proper stress upon the doctrine of "deification" would stress not our submersion into God (mystically) so much as our transformation into God's likeness, or Christ's divine nature.

My own efforts at stressing the obedience of faith, which inevitably raises controversy in certain places, are rooted in this very truth, namely that justification brings the sinner into a community where real transformation then takes place between real people. Grace is rightly understood as underserved favor, not an internal power that merits something from God. But grace that does not transform is not grace. Proper mystical categories would help us to restore this biblical emphasis.

Finally, Christian mysticism can also help us recover the truth of love. In mysticism the goal of the Christian life is the beatific vision of God. In a proper evangelicalism the goal is to love God and neighbor, especially those who are our brothers and sisters in the Christian community. The truth stressed by the mystic, that real fellowship has its basis in the union between the Christian believer and the love of God, is thus correct. John Wesley rightly understood this in concluding we are called not only to personal sanctity, which is and always will be first in priority, but to social holiness. This note is absent in many mystics. But evangelicals who put all their stress upon the atonement being understood as penal substitution often miss the mystical and moral influence of the atonement that can be clearly seen in the Bible itself.

The Reformers rightly stressed religious experience. They saw and preached a paradoxical unity between Word and Spirit, or between historical revelation and the inward experience of faith. In our day we have stressed one or the other, and thus we have missed the holy paradox and the needed balance. Apart from an inner illuminating work of the Spirit we are left with cold rationalism. But apart from the Word of God we are left with an undefined, or ill-defined, experience and thus without true assurance.

I had a good day today.

2007-06-10T03:21:00.001-05:00

Well.... I still can't really post about things that are happening in my life right now. But things are good, amen? (Preach it!) Haha. I am having a very good week, and God has been gracious enough to lift many burdens from my mind this week. They say when it rains, it pours, and I have often found that to be quite true, no less so in the last few days. I think that sometimes we spend a lot of time walking through the valleys of life, and when those rains come its good to be washed away in the flood. I have been using the word "lighter" to describe the way I feel recently. I think that for me, my overall level of happiness rarely changes from week to week, month to month. Even in a very sad period, I still enjoy life in general. That doesn't mean that I'm not more cynical at certain times than others, or less contented, but I really don't feel like I ever get just down down. I hope that that's an expression of joy in my life. I realize that I don't really notice when I'm complaining or being cynical because I don't really have my heart in it. Sometimes life is just not great, and so my thoughts mirror that, but I don't think my spirit does.

I really long to post on here some of what's happening that has me so excited right now, but I just can't for several reasons, but soon I will be able to, probably in about a week or so. Until then, I'm afraid you're just going to have to ask me about what's happening. Haha, I'm just so... happy right now. Sometimes the world just seems right, and there are so many good things to get us through life. So yah... good days.

every day is a one act play...

2007-06-06T00:25:00.000-05:00

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear

Pour me a glass of wine
Talk deep into the night
Who knows what we'll find

Intuition, deja vu
The Holy Ghost haunting you
Whatever you got
I don't mind

Put your elbows on the table
I'll listen long as I am able
There's nowhere I'd rather be

Secret fears, the supernatural
Thank God for this new laughter
Thank God the joke's on me

We've seen the landfill rainbow
We've seen the junkyard of love
Baby it's no place for you and me

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear
Born- Over the Rhine

Hush now my sweet little noisy boy
There is trouble enough in the world
Pick up your feet little lazy boy
Come dance with your little girl

Spin me 'round this kitchen floor
Like a carnaval
Troubadour
I know we're only two-bit clowns
In a one-ring circus

But make me a little bit dizzy boy
Swing me on your trapeze
When I'm in the arms of my dreamy boy
It still makes me weak in the knees

Right here on this record player
Is our scratchy song
We're alone
Slide trombones like an orchestra
Full of fortune tellers

Come now my sweet little breathing boy
I'm listening hard to your heart
It's as strong as a lion's boy
Let's leave here and make a new start

I remember once you said
Lying in this bed
The past is dead
Everyday is a one-act play
Without an ending
Hush -Over the Rhine

Now Broadcasting from...

2007-05-30T17:53:00.001-05:00

It's been a while yes, and since I last posted I managed to move myself and most of my stuff to Champaign, go to about 10,000 job interviews, get a couple of offers and actually start working one of them (though still waiting to hear on a few). I do have to say, I am glad that I made the choice to move here. I feel a lot lighter here, and I feel like I'm progressing in life again. Socialization helps, but just taking the steps to make life my own and stop being pushed around by circumstance has been really freeing. Things aren't perfect here, most of the things that I was dealing with in Indy are still going to be bugging me here, but there's definitely a brighter side here.

On the job front, opportunities seem to be opening everywhere, and I actually had to pick between different job offers. And... should I hear back from one of the last interviews I had, I may be changing jobs again very soon. As for the present I took a job in tech support with Pavlov Media as a semi-long term temp/full-time position. Which means, its not a bad place where I can learn some new skills and I wouldn't mind staying at if nothing better opens up, the ultimately I would like a little more security than this job provides, but still, I fit well there and I am enjoying working there so far.

I've decided to learn how to play the harmonica... so far I've got like 2 songs down pat. And its the saddest, meanest blues rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star you've ever heard. I'm also trying to learn a new keyboard layout to improve my typing speed/efficiency and cut down the risk for wrist energy since I think my chosen career has landed me firmly behind a computer for many many years to come. I've largely been avoiding working out so far, mainly due to a crazy inconsistent schedule and the fact that I don't want to pick a gym since I'll probably be moving soon, but I am trying to get out and walk a mile or so after work each day in the meantime.

Socially Champaign has been a breath of fresh air, I've been seeing lots of old friends and meeting new people again for the first time in almost a year, which is really welcome. People seem to have been leaving my life a lot recently, but not many new people had been entering, so it's good to restore some balance if you know what I mean. I also got a new computer since my old laptop died. It was said, because it wasn't that old, but the new one is nice, I've been playing around with Vista and Kubuntu and all in all having a good time with it, learning some new tech skills to boot.!

It's also been nice to return to a church community and live with guys who are believers. Coming out of Cedar was a strange culture shock change, but I had gotten so used to isolation in Indy, and I'm really enjoying that change as well as the opportunity to participate and serve in the church here, start a bible study, meet new people, the whole 9 yards. So... if you can't tell, I'm enjoying life here, and I feel like the decision to move here has really been confirmed. I'm just praying for peace now and trying to give over the things that are hardest to let go of and find some contentedness for a while. But, good to be moving forward again.

Common to the Human Experience.

2007-05-08T14:12:00.000-05:00

Some bands just connect with you, for whatever reason, the truth in their lyrics, perhaps the the life experiences you share with the songwriters, perhaps they've just found some thread common to everyone, or perhaps your particular niche. As more time goes by I feel this connection stronger and stronger with Caedmon's Call. They write about life, not about idealism, or only worship songs that don't take into account the utter brokeness of those singing them. They sing about doubt in faith, broken relationships, anxiety, pride, friendship, compromising your values, and pain in a way that people can relate to. Perhaps there's a bit of extreme coincidence for me as compared with many, but I feel the words to so many of their songs could have come from my lips at one point or another, and the sheer number of situations in which I find some connection with their lyrics leads me to believe that perhaps Derek Webb and I are of a kind, or that I'm just beginning to experience the pain and joy that are so central to all human experience.

That last thought is reassuring in a way. There's a line from another song by another band ("Child Don't Cry" by Over the Rhine) that goes

"And though we love to numb the pain
We come to learn that it's in vain
Pain is our mother
She makes us recognize each other"

which I think is an unfortunate but redemptive quality of living in a fallen and broken world, joy and love are common to the human experience, but are rare to share, and hard to understand across many boundaries (gender, religion, culture, etc.) but pain, loss, rejection and lonliness are things that everyone can understand, but the beautiful thing about them is that they can bring us together. Christ experienced these things on the cross for a reason, it was more than just a punishment for sin, which is was, but it was more, it was a consequence of sin, and it was an amazing act of reaching out, and experiencing the pain of sinful humanity which allows us to experience fellowship with a God who has experienced things common to all of us. We can recognize the Human deity of Christ for this reason, and we can find comfort in each other for the same reasons.

And though I've never met anyone from Caedmon's Call, nor the songwriters from Over the Rhine, I know I share something of hurt and love both in my heart that they have also. When we put up a facade, when we don't admit to our pain, when we hold it inside we block ourselves from others, "we love to numb the pain, but come to learn that it's in vain." Isn't it interesting that its at the fullest capacities of our hearts to experience something, be it joy or sorrow, pain or happiness, that we feel most in touch with one another, that we feel most in communion with God... Living in the past or dwelling on the future are just ways to numb the present, and keeps us from sharing life with others. Experience and live to the full, let yourself be angry, forgive, heal, cry, and have no fear of those things. Trust is so fundamental to learning to heal, but it doesn't come cheap or easy, but I'm thankful for a God who enables us able to trust after heartache.

Hi, I'm a PC. And I'm a Jackass!

2007-05-07T20:40:00.000-05:00

These Mac commercials are really starting to annoy me, and heightening my overall disdain for Apple on a daily basis. Aside from being a company that focuses a ridiculous amount of energy on "image" and "packaging," they also seem like, if they were a person, they would be that really self absorbed, arrogant jerk that everyone secretly dislikes. Their commercials are so misleading, I mean, there's actually nothing wrong with Macs, but they aren't that different than PCs, and for being the "non-conformist" brand of computer, they sure don't offer you many options. Sure... let me just put you and your Mac in this super slick, glossy, white package, just like everyone else.

Aside from the whole "image first" problem, I also have a major problem with their business practices. Say what you want about "evil" Microsoft, but Bill Gates has given more money away than anyone in the history of the world, and Jobs... well, Jobs is almost running Disney. And if that ain't evil... what is? In seriousness though, Apple knowingly violates all sorts of anti-trust laws, steals money from artists, monopolizes creative content, and sells really crappy mp3 players at an obscene mark up, because they can. Sorry for two ranting posts in a row, but... Apple sucks.

Attention crazy dems and liberals

2007-04-23T12:12:00.000-05:00

I know you don't like the president, its hard to find people that do, but you cannot impeach a president just because you don't like him. And until you offer up some proof that he's done something the constitution considers an impeachable offense, stop QQing and deal with it.

And seriously, US Senators and congressmen/women, grow up. This is why no one likes you, politicians are duplicitous, conniving, and self-serving asshats most of the time, and all the fighting and useless bipartisan threats and insult slinging are not helping you do anything that actually allows you to represent the people from whom you derive your power.

And to anyone who reads this and thinks, "why is impeaching Bush a bad idea..." I'm not saying having another person in office would be a bad thing, but disabusing the power of impeachment is a surer way to destabilize our government than leaving him in power for 2 more years. It's not a popularity contest, live with it.

(note that I'm not calling all dems or liberals crazy, just the ones calling for unjustified impeachment)

Changes afoot

2007-04-04T16:59:00.000-05:00

It's official, I'm moving to Champaign in the next two months. No, I don't have a job lined up yet, but I've decided it's not worth it to stay here. I've been feeling unlucky for the past year or so, and yeah, there's been a lot of bad things happen to me, it hasn't exactly been my year, and even though a lot of that was just life, things that I couldn't control, I'm tired of things kicking me around, and while I can't change what's happened, I can change how I'm going to respond and I'm done sitting here. Nothing good is going to start happening sitting on my bum here in Indy. So, get ready Champaign, I'm coming for you.

In other news, it's baseball season! The cardinals will have a hard time topping last year, but it's good to have them back, and I can't wait to get to a couple of games this summer and seeing the new stadium. It's one of those parts of the year that is always just amazing, and even though they've lost their first two games to the Mets, they won't keep losing for long, and there's still the Cubs to beat 15 or 16 times this season.

This weekend I'm heading to Champaign to visit some friends, talk with some potential roommates and look around at housing. I'm also planning to go see the new TMNT movie with some friends from Urbana, and I'm guessing I'll end up doing a few more unforeseen things that will be a lot of fun.

In Indy news, not much is happening. My bible study is reading Irresistible Revolution right now, and thats been fun, but I am not able to make it there every week because its so far away. I really took for granted having my community living all around me. In some since, is a community you only see 2 hours a week and have to drive an hour to see really a community? I don't know, but they are a blessing in many ways and until I can't get back to Champaign I'll have to be content.

Online, my World of Warcraft guild is about to enter Karazhan, which will be my first taste of high end raid content. It's a lot more organized that I anticipated, but I'm enjoying the new play style of endgame content. Playing as part of a 10 or 25 man team is much different from leveling and playing a character solo, but it allows you to plan ahead and know when you'll be able to be online with your friends and when it'd be better to do more real life things.

Speaking of real life things, I think its about time I started getting out some more. I'd almost like to start dating. In some ways it would seem weird, like admitting that the past really is... well, past, but I would just like to go out and have some fun evenings with someone. I have so many ideas for dates, but right now it seems like I'm just not in a situation to ask anyone. And that's fine for now, but the idea is becoming appealing at least.

I don't think I've been home to Girard since Christmas, and honestly, I don't feel like going back now. It's not a place of belonging. I don't know if I have one anymore. Maybe Champaign, or maybe Cedar, but Champaign is constantly changing, and in a few years the things that made that place home will all be gone, spread out across the country. And Cedar is just too... much for me right now. I think belonging there would be just a bit to uncomfortable at the moment, and I'm not ready for that.

What prompted this seemingly random rant? Well, it was something, that's for sure, but I think I just realized that waiting for things to happen isnt going to get me anywhere. And while, to this point, most of my plans have been dashed violently against the rocks of misfortune, I think that's no excuse to stop moving forward. Like Rocky said, "nobody or nothin' is gonna hit you harder than life, but it's not about how you can hit back, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward." So, you know what, bring it on life, I'm sure you've got more punches to through, but I think I've learned a thing or two about taking it on the chin, so let's go at it again.

(I didn't study...)

2007-03-29T10:55:00.000-05:00

The most depressing song I've ever heard...

2007-03-27T19:26:00.000-05:00

What she would like to do
Is get you out of her head
She's tried every trick
She's so sick of thinking about it

What's so special about you
You're an ache she's learned to crave
You're a blade too dull to raise

But she cuts herself
On you every night
She's just dying
To lay down the knife

Yes, it's a little emo for me. I don't know the rest of the lyrics, I always skip to the next track at this part cause it's just a little too much for me. This time of year, it makes me wish for something more. It's easy to be melancholy in the winter, it's dark, it's cold. And though you may be down, the weather plays along to your mood and makes things a little easier. Then spring comes and you feel like you're falling behind the mood of things. The weather is so nice here, and I'm not quite sure what to do with it. It makes me a little sad at how far I'd have to go to find a park or something to enjoy being outdoors. The city may have its high points, but I am more at home in a place like Cedar where you have to drive to town than the opposite.

I'm dealing with a lot of things right now. I'm really not satisfied with my life right now, and I feel very isolated. Being in a new place is tough, but it seems like most of the people that were so close to me a year or two ago are gone now, lost in the time and space that life puts between us. Likewise, work isn't where I want it to be, or even my free time, and for most of the last couple of months I have lacked the will to really do anything about that. I guess you have to get to a point where you really want to change something before you can, and for me, though I wasn't happy, the last couple months I've felt too numb to do anything about it. I asked my dad last week, "Is this all there is to life? Just work and not work and sleep, for the next 50 years?" He told me that well, kinda... and said "life is what you make it." Maybe we have to hit the bottom to know we want to get out, to make it different, and maybe I did last week, but where to go now?

Despite the isolation, God has really put some very good people into my life to help. My dad is one of them, my friends Bryan and Brendan who seem to be the only ones able to call or visit me anymore, and Chad and Ginny who are very patient with me and my incessant introspective drivel. ;-) I think in some ways I just have to let go of the past, potential doesn't count for anything unfulfilled, and if I keep thinking about how great the past was, or how great I thought the future would be, I'll never get around to working on the future that's staring me in the face now. This is pretty candid, yes, but sometimes I need to be candid with people to keep myself honest and forward facing. Ere too long... I'll be back.

Un-freaking-believable

2007-03-13T23:42:00.000-05:00

It's spring already! I am thoroughly amazed. This has been one of the shortest (and longest) years of my life.... but wow, that it's mid March blows my mind. Events from a year ago stand out as if yesterday. Sometimes amazing to see what a year can do.

I love this weather, but something's missing...

This is harder than I thought it would be...

2007-02-17T10:56:00.000-06:00

I think life is winning right now. I can't seem to find the place where I should belong. I'm not terribly upset or unhappy precisely, just oddly out of place. This doesn't feel like living, it feels like existing, and I don't much like it. Part of the problem is Indianapolis, part of the problem is my current living and working situations, and part of it is just recovering from a broken heart. Either way, I've never been someone who was monotonous. I've never really just lived, I (despite appearances) usually feel things very strongly, and I usually have a great deal of joy out of life.

What bothers me right now, is that that is missing for me. I am bored with my life, but I don't know what to do to fix that. I'm trying to start a few projects, and I'm laying out some specific goals, but I don't know how to do many of the things I wish to do. I just don't feel like myself these days. I am getting angry very easily recently, which is not like me at all. It's liberating in one sense, but frustrating in another, because it's not like me, and I resent that. How do you make friends in the real world? Maybe it is just a very long process, or maybe I'm just no good at it, but here I am, 3 months in Indianapolis, and still largely without any social life or friends to speak of.

I went out with some guys from work last night, and that was fun, but I'm resentful of the fact that they are all married more or less, and resentful of the fact that I can't really enjoy myself because of my own emotional hangups. Church is much the same also. I'm enjoying the bible study that I've joined, and my church is also pretty alright, but I haven't made any friends there. By nature I'm a very social person, and 3 months of forced isolation is starting to grind on my nerves.

I don't prefer to write things like this in this blog, it's just not what I anticipated the blog being for or about, but at the moment I want to write and this is all I have to offer you. I'm still hoping that the desire to write will come back to me again. That I could fill posts with musings and life and scripture and politics and so on and so forth, but at the moment I'm still struggling to rise beyond my own general disdain for the world. (Ha.) Bear with me and I'll get through it eventually.

What I'll Remember Most...

2007-01-24T23:22:00.000-06:00

I've fallen in love with the band Over the Rhine, their CD Ohio has got me through the last month. Here's one of my favorites.

The saddest songs are the happiest
The hardest truths are the easiest
Put us both to the test
And tell me if you still need me
And I will swallow these words
And see if I can still believe

The biggest lies are the little ones
When the look in your eyes is the distant one
Angel or demon
You know that they can share one bed
I've laid awake so long
I've got them both inside my head

This is what I'll remember most about dying
So many moments like ghosts
Slipping through my hands in vain
You were 80% angel
10% demon
The rest was hard to explain

This American dream may be poisonous
Violence is contagious
Crowded or empty
I walk these city streets alone
Whoever brought me here
Is gonna have to take me home

This is what I'll remember most about dying
Loading these moments like a gun
Hoping to kill the pain
You were 80% angel
10% demon
The rest was hard to explain

Road Trip!

2007-01-04T07:57:00.000-06:00

So this past weekend I decided to road trip to St. Louis to visit friends from all over the globe congregating in the Gateway City for the 2006 Urbana Missions Conference. I got up early on Saturday and drove to Lafayette to pick up my lovely traveling companion, Ms. Jonell Smith. Then we drove 250 miles to STL, arriving at about 11:30 local time and starting out on our quest to meet up with the uber cool Ms. Jillian McDonald. Hilarity ensued. :-)

Anyway... here's some pictures. This first building is the world famous Broadway Oyster Bar, a blues bar and Cajun restaurant on Broadway Street just off downtown. It is one of my favorite places to eat in the world, the food is great, just spicy enough, and they have whole crawfish crawling all over everything. Tres Magnifique!

Here I am, confronting the crustacean that succumbed to the heat of the Oyster Bar's delicious Jambalaya. It may look like I'm a little put off or scared, but I assure you, it's just excellent acting. The crawfish really ought to be up for an Oscar, and I'm not bad either.

Don't they say something about, why send a man to do a woman's job? Well, enter Jillian, who, in contrast to my fear and cowardice, faced the crawfish with excitement and even.... jubilation? Hmmm. Anyway, I couldn't eat the thing, but Jill didn't seem to have any problem, and before you could blink... it was no more.

After lunch on Broadway we made our way over to the new Busch stadium, it was the first time I had been to STL since they finished construction... and let me tell you, it is pret-tay. Here Jill and I pose with the voice of the Cardinals, the timeless Jack Buck.... Go crazy folks! Go crazy!

And finally here we all are, standing like a Broadway Chorus in front of the new Busch. Grade A awesome, in my personal opinion. From left to right.... Alex from California via Washington, Jillian from Aledo, TX via Norman, OK, Josh from Girard via Indianapolis, and Jonell from Plano via Lafayette. All together for the first time in human history.

As you can see, it was a pretty fun weekend, we did a lot of other fun stuff running around St. Louis. We were able to visit Champaign friends, go to Union Station and see the most influential evangelical in America, Rick Warren, speak. (Ask me about that later, there's too much to go into here, but overall it was exactly what I expected, unimpressive.) The rest of the weekend wound into a New Years celebration in Champaign with Blake Johnson, his new lady friend Lydia, and a couple of her college roommates. It was a good time, and it was really needed for me, sometimes there's nothing like old (and new) friends to sooth a weary soul. Thanks guys!

Don't Go Away!

2007-01-01T13:19:00.000-06:00

I know it has been a while since I've written much regularly, but don't go away, because there will be much more for you to be reading soon, I promise. Life has taken some unexpected twists recently, and I just wasn't in the mood, nor was it appropriate, to chronicle those things here. But I think that it's time to start filling these virtual pages with words again and soon. I think a little part of me goes away when I go too long without writing, and I am hoping to get that back here soon. An update on me, I'm still in Indy, and enjoying my first couple of weeks of work. I've decided to stay here in Indy until at least May, at which time I'll figure out what else is available to me both here and in other areas of import. Mary and I broke up, and it has been a very hard couple of weeks since then, but I feel like I'm slowly starting to become more and more of my old self with each day. I still haven't found a church home here, but I've been traveling too much to do much evaluation, in the next few weeks I hope to do some real work on that. And, I am hoping to start writing regularly, just to chronicle this very strategic and transitional time in my life, and to help my friends, scattered though they may be, understand what's going on, and perhaps bless them through my words. So, Happy New Year to all you out there, this is a very symbolic one for me, a fresh start I suppose, so let's make the most of it.

Employed!

2006-12-14T17:45:00.000-06:00

That was a long month. But there is good news. After two weeks here in Indianapolis job hunting I finally have a job. My first real job is going to be working in downtown Indy for a contractor that services computers and medical equipment for hospitals in the Indianapolis region. I'm pretty stoked. I'll be training for the next couple weeks, but it's the sort of job that will give me some very important job skills for the future, especially in tech skills. So yah.... giddyup.

Once more into the Breach

2006-11-11T20:32:00.000-06:00

Wow, this will be my last post from Cedar Campus. The last 3.5 months have absolutely flown by. I have been greatly blessed by being here. I have grown more than in the last two years and experienced a new dimension in my life. I leave a slightly different person, not changed, but matured, developed. There is a subtle difference (or maybe not so subtle) between living the life of a student and what I've experience here. I am and will forever be grateful for what God has taught me here. I think my friends will be surprised to find me somewhat less gregarious and more reserved. I feel that I've personally learned a lot about what the Lord has planned for my life, something of commitment, a great deal of love, and found out what I can achieve in the professional world.

I leave Cedar on November 13th, appropriate as a starting date as it is my 24th birthday. My plans for the next year are still rather ambiguous, but for the next 2 months I know I will be living in Indianapolis and working temp jobs until I can find a full time job in tech support/development or history/writing, or perhaps another tech job in the Champaign area until I can relocate somewhere to pursue a very special girl. Either way I feel more confident in knowing the calls that God has placed on my life regardless of location, and even more confident in the ability of God to use me and gift me for those purposes.

I can't wait to see all of you in Champaign next week and to start this new chapter. Thanks to everyone for thoughts and prayers these last months, and thanks to my special encourager and her endless depth of belief and support. Until next time... from locations anew... farewell.

Vespers Vending

2006-10-23T08:52:00.000-05:00

In response to the question that Tim posed in a previous comment thread, I have finally gotten around to typing up a response: should churches sell coffeer (or anything else) at a service? When I first thought about it there was some sort of instant feeling that it was wrong, that turning a church into a Starbucks to Go was just something that was inherently, well, not so good. The more I thought about it though, the less convinced I became. There are few biblical texts to go on, the most prominent being Jesus' clearing of the temple in Matthew's gospel. Starting from there you may wonder how then I might approve of commercial enterprise in churches, but there are important differences to be made. Firstly, the temple in Jerusalem is not a church, the buildings themselves are not even analogues aside from their place in culture. The temple was the dwelling of God, the place where people came to worship and make atonement for their sins. The things being sold there, the practices that occured, were defiling to the place and God cannot be defiled. Churches today, however, are not the dwelling of God. Today God dwells in heaven and in the hearts of his followers through the Holy Ghost while the atoning sinless life, death, and ressurection of Christ ensure that he is not defiled there.

So then, what is the chruch building? It's just a building. A structure. Churches often sell books and recordings of sermons or events and various other items without giving us pause. Why then should we condemn the selling of coffee by a corporate chain? Perhaps because in those other circumstances it is the church organization selling the items itself, and there is no danger of distraction or who is working there. Having an outside organization selling raises other concerns, such as who is in control and who are the people working there, will they respect the congregation? But if not, then why would the church allow such people in its building? Theologically though, there is nothing that I can find that prohibits such. I mean, I know of churches that have met in coffee shops in their early days simply for lack of space. The church goes with God's people and is therefore no more or less holy than anywhere else God's people may be found. Parts of creation are not made sacrosanct, unable to be touched and holier than others. Creation itself is beautifully inert, and we should care and protect it, but only when necessary.

So, to conclude, I believe that churches are no more or less sacred than other places. Business practices are not evil, and are not defiling to the church building. Christ ensures the holiness of his followers and therefore the temple of God (which makes his cleansing of the physical temple much more symbolic, don't you think?). At the same time, wisdom must be consulted if this sort of thing is being considered. While I don't think there's anything sinful about it, I think it could be a detractor from a worship service. If outsiders are given control over part of the church at worship (which indirectly could be happening) the church much weigh the cost of such ammenities against the control and freedom to worship as commanded. That said, I think it's okay if caution is exercised.

The end.

in special recognition...

2006-10-19T23:12:00.000-05:00

in special recognition of the st. louis cardinals' world series berth agains the detroit tigers, i just wanted to say....

GO CARDINALS!!!!!

By Special Request

2006-10-02T20:44:00.000-05:00

So at the behest of Ms. Mary Horning, I'm going to try to write something. Try is probably the key operative here, since at the moment I'm not feeling especially profound, thoughtful, or even contemplative. My lifestyle at the moment is a fairly happy, if somewhat routine, existance. Cedar Campus is a very quiet place in the wintertime. And yes, it is very nearly winter here. I've been wearing my winter coat about a week now and I've scraped ice off my windshield twice already. I've moved into the McClure Center apartment, which is quite a long haul from the point cabins. Having my own indoor bathroom is a blessing that I had very nearly forgotten about. Still, the quiet solitude here is less oppressive than I thought it might be. I find myself enjoying long stretches of time alone, with a chance to read or think, study and pray. I've got a small porch now, and despite the cold, I've been smoking my pipe out there at every chance with my friend Matt who is one of the cooks here.

The job part of living here is going well also. I work 4-5 days a week in the office as the tech dude. Sometimes on busy weeks I also spend a day or two in the kitchen helping prepare food for the campers, though right now there are few of those also. There is a lot of work involved in closing the camp down. Moving boats, cleaning buildings, making small repairs/improvements, moving services, inventory. I think I've done a little bit of all of that in the last two weeks, mainly taking down and inventorying the camp store then moving it from the rec hall to the lodge. That process took three of us nearly a week, and this week I'm going to spend most of my free time entering the data from the inventory into our database so we can start ordering on Nov 1. The tech part of my job mainly involves fixing problems, though we are continuing to reorganize and streamline the network infrastructure. I'm still working at typing up documentation from the upgrade we did over a month ago, and over the last weekend I used some free time to implement an upgrade of my own.

It's an interesting job field for me. I have no formal training in networking technology or solutions, but I am finding myself very engaged by it, and I seem to be pretty good at it. The camp has a lot of cool equiptment that is not being utilized, and its fun to see what sort of solutions I can come up with. For instance, the far side of the camp, Mariner's Cove, doesn't have a wireless internet solution aside from one room in the 1st floor of the lodge. One goal for the camp is to have the lodge and the smaller rec building on this side covered by the network. To accomplish that we had been looking into installing some DSL converter boxes to run across the bay, a very troublesome and expensive task. Seeing as how I just moved to one of the buildings not yet covered, I decided to take it up to see what I could do. By using some existing APs the camp had lying around and a very nice external antennae that they were contemplating selling, I was able to establish that with the right configuration the antennae and AP could be used to cover the area they wanted, however, hooking it back into the network from the point where it would yield that coverage was something not obvious. I figured out that by modifying the existing AP on this side, I could extend its range and use the external antennae and AP as a repeater for the original AP, covering the entire area with one useable wireless signal. Now, maybe if you know anything about networking you are thinking, well, duh. But, no one here seemed to know that stuff was available, or that it could be used as a solution of the problem. And for me, to figure it out on my own was probably the best way to learn it that I could have come upon. I had forgotten how much I missed problem solving in that way.

Anyway, that was a long story about work, and my lifestyle here, so maybe that will help me get back in the writer's mindset. In one sense there just isn't enough happening around here to stimulate interesting stories or ideas that I would want to share with you. My own personal study and growth recently has all been pretty dry and academic in the areas of Old Testament Theology, though I have come up with some interesting arguements to finally convince Erik that Intervarsity is not a church ;-). Other than that I've spent a lot of time musing over the innane number of seemingly unneeded box that we have for sale here. Books on all sorts of things that people really just don't need. I wonder if its worth pointing out that too many Christians seem to turn to self help books and authors to solve problems that a good understanding of the bible would quash in a second. Hmmm. That said, there are some very interesting titles that I think I'd enjoy reading just to see what they are about. Two of my favorites? The Unneccesary Pastor and I Gave Dating A Chance (the antithesis to the silly yet popular I Kissed Dating Goodbye written by the otherwise doctrinely sound Josh Harris).

The audio from the past weekend's Desiring God Conference should be online very soon, I can't wait to hear it, or to hear how it went from my buddy Blake who was in attendance. That's it for me now, I am finally starting to miss television, as I've recently been rehooked watching 24 season four, and knowing that the Lost season priemer is this week also, but such is the price of my unplugged life. Aside from the fact that I'll just download them on BitTorrent of course :-). Okay, goodnight everybody!

Subversive Christianity

2006-09-12T13:00:00.000-05:00

This week there is a camp of older couples called "Empty Nesters," the idea being that its a time for married people whose children have left home to fellowship and relive the days of their youth up here. It quite inspiring actually, to see so many of these people who have been exactly where I am and to see what the fruit of their lives and work with the gospel has brought to pass. But at the same time, the nature of the generation that is here is such that I can get quite exasperated. The 50+ something generation makes up half or more of the Christian population in the United States, and aside from handfuls here and there, they are growing increasingly unable to adapt to the post modern world. For example. The other day the Empty Nesters camp was praying for the IFES movements in Europe, and the MC said something like, "Europe, of course, is postmodern now, Christianity is nearly dead there." And I was slightly shocked. True, the church in America has a little more life left in it than Europe does, but even the church here is incredibly marginalized by post-modernism. And that statement just irked me, what do they think the culture in America is? America is as post-modern as Europe, and sadly, I think the only reason that the church here is not in the same place as the European church is the political agenda of the religious right.

But it just underlies the point that the patriarchs and matriarchs of the church today are still largely concerned with relating to a world that they view as modern. A world where reason and logic are prominent, and its not a question of which God, but is there a God, questions that the world as a whole has moved beyond. What is sadder to me, is that I am a victim of this thinking as much as anyone. Until the last couple years when I've actually engaged with people and talked with them about who God is and who they think Christ is I just assumed that you were either a Christian or you didn't believe in God, largely because I was raised in churches that believed and continue to believe that. The church needs to understand that we are not God's keepers anymore and that those seeking God will automatically seek us out. The church must reexamine its self image and see itself as God's people, in competition with the concepts of God that the rest of the world carries around with it. The church no longer has a monopoly on God, and has not for 50 years. The world today is not agnostic, its pluralistic, not "if there's a God, but why not this god?"

In many ways I find it fascinating, Christianity has so long ruled the West as the only religion that it has forgotten its roots as a marginalized religion growing in the midst of Judiasm, and countless pagan gods. I've been studying Deuteronmy recently and one thing that has stuck out to me is the degree to which so many of the rules God gave Israel in the desert were meant to set them apart from the cultures around them which worshipped any number of other gods. God's covenant with Israel that "I will be your God and you will be my people," was played out in the ways Israel was meant to be radically different than the cultures around them. We have the same commission from Jesus. We are his people and we are meant to be radically different, to worship in a way that is radically different from the ways the culture around us worships. Its no longer a question of worshippers vs. non-worshippers, we can't peddle God as once the church did. Relationships, living lives changed completely by Christ, walking in the mist of this world and staying close to Christ, those are the ways that Christians are called to bear witness. In the beginning it was such, and now 2000 years later, it has come full circle. Let us embrace the subversive position that we now find ourselves in. I compare it to the movie Fight Club. There is something wrong about the way the world works, you are not your job, you are not your clothes, you are not your things... and people know it, they know that material wealth is empty, they are just looking for an alternative.

I enjoy the idea of a Christian fight club... the idea that there is a more basic need to be met than what the world feeds us, but people need to be shown what that need is, which is why the church can't trade the Gospel of Grace for a gospel of tolerance, or prosperity, or social justice. Those things can all be good, but the Good News of the Gospel is only good if people realize that there is bad news to be saved from. Sin is a dirty world, hell is a dirty word, intolerance is a dirty word, but without them how will people understand what is being offered them. A blind man doesn't know that he must be pulled back from the cliff or pushed out of the way of an oncoming car. We need to view the culture and world around us in that way, that they are blind and are as likely to punch us as thank us for pushing them out of the way of the car, but just as you wouldn't worry what the blind man thought of what you were doing when you pushed him out of the way, we can't worry what people will think of us afterwards when we are trying to save them.

A Slow News Day

2006-09-08T10:16:00.001-05:00

Finding subjects worth writing on has been an interesting if futile exercise these last few weeks. My mind has been active, but mostly it is filled with things of a highly personal nature that I don't plan on sharing here. Cedar Campus is an amazing place, and just as beautiful in the fall as in the summer. So far, aside from the nights, it still feels like summer here. It's in the seventies most days, and only at night does it feel colder than it should for early September, but I'm told by the staff here that what we are experiencing now is a bit of an anomoly.

The work here has been largely interesting and engaging. I spent much of the first week fully emmercing myself in the tech system here, learning its ins and outs and the first weekend spent many hours working on a massive hardware upgrade to our wifi system and private lan. It was very exciting for me, not only because I learned so much, but because I found that I had a very solid base of skills for that sort of work. It was more natural than I expected, and I could feel my role expanding as we worked on it longer and longer. This past week, however, has been a little different. Because almost all of the fortysome crew that were here when I arrived have know left, feeding the camps staff and guests has become a critical operation, and everyone not tied down to something is being taken to the kitchen for help. So the last week I have spent it cooking and cleaning, making bread and pancakes and setting buffet lines. Not exactly what I had envisioned, but not disagreeable work either. It's a highly social atmosphere in the kitchen, which I enjoy, but the day stretches out much more than anywhere else, often working from 7am until 8pm with a few hours off between meals. It's nice reading time, but I would rather have my work be work and my time be my own.

I've been doing a lot of work on my life recently, mostly in the architectural stages, but I've spent several hours the last week in thinking through, praying over, and writing out a life plan. Committing to paper my priorities, goals, ambitions, and plans to achieve all those things. It's not close to done yet, as it seems to take quite as long just to think through each item as type it out, but I feel very good having started on it. It is starting to rain here, which means I had better post this before we lose the satellite feed. Maybe too late already. Peace.

Safely to Arrive at Home

2006-08-23T12:56:00.000-05:00

I'm safely arrived in Michigan and settling in. I had a nice ride up with my dad and sister and am enjoying the last vestiges of this northern summer. I can tell fall is near, the nights are already into the 40's and the days barely reach 70. The camp is good, but I've yet to become fully settled here, but give it a week or two and all will be well. I have no internet at the moment, so forgive me for being sparing in my updates, but all should resume in a few weeks when I move residences here. In the meantime, here's my address for the time being.

Joshua Drake
c/o Cedar Campus
P.O. Box 425
Cedarville, MI 49719

Also, I finished Driscoll's book, it was very very good, I will write more impressions soon. I've now started on "The Shaping of Things to Come." And hope to read "Radical Reformission" next. So long for now!

-Josh

My Reading List

2006-08-13T18:45:00.000-05:00

Some of the books I'll be packing away in the next few months. I am open for suggestions!

~~Confessions of a Refomission Rev -Mark Driscoll~~
Radical Reformission -Mark Driscoll
Reformation Thought: An Introduction -Alister McGrath
Above All Earthly Pow'rs: Christ in the Postmodern World -David Wells
The Shaping of Things to Come -Mark Frost
The Divine Conspiracy -Dallas Willard
Becoming Coversant with the Emerging Church -DA Carson

Also see:
theresurgence.com
and
Ohio -Over the Rhine

Desiring God Conference

2006-08-13T16:31:00.000-05:00

So, I just found out about this amazing conference coming up at the end of September. I am immeadiately convinced that I need to be there. Now just to find some means of transportation from Cedarville to Minneapolis. Eleven hour drive... hmm. Maybe I can borrow a car. God will provide a way. Eek!

Temporarily Out of Order

2006-08-10T03:02:00.000-05:00

This blog will be temporarily out of order as my computer is currently in 20 pieces on my floor awaiting a new power jack and I am relocating to the UP (Upper Penninsula). Expect normal updates to resume sometime around Aug 20th. Fare thee well.

Emerging or Emergent?

2006-08-03T17:09:00.000-05:00

So, I found a quote to sum up my position on the emerging church, and ironically (or not) it was taken from a book written by the man who has shaped most of my thinking on the subject, though I found his quote through googling "pipe smoked" on blogs. What Driscoll says here is quite in line with my feelings about emergent theology. And the distinction he makes between emerging and emergent is a notable one.

I had to distance myself, however, from one of the many streams in the emerging church because of the theological differences. Since the late 1990’s this stream has become known as Emergent. The Emergent Church is part of the Emerging Church Movement but does not embrace the dominant ideology of the movement. Rather the emergent church is the latest version of liberalism. The only difference is that the old liberalism accommodated modernity and the new liberalism accommodates postmodernity.”

Yup. I think that is the key, and again, it all comes down to labels, why must we label everthing. I listened to and read everything this man produced for more than a year before I realized that he was part of the Emerging Church. What drew me to him and his ideology was in fact his boldness in preaching Christ and loving the people and their culture around him. The turtle shell Christianity that results in closed mouthed, tight lipped communities is abhorent to me, so is the one that seeks to reach the world around it without learning how to relate to the world around it. It always irks me when Christians are accused of being out of touch, not because it is untrue but because it is true. We should make no accomodations in speaking the gospel but at the same time we must relate it in a way that the culture can understand if it is to have a hope of influencing that culture. The more I think and reflect on it the more I become convinced that the Kingdom is not only a spiritual revolution but a cultural one as well. When the culture begins to redeem things like sex, drugs, violence, language, family and food, that is when we will see real change.

It's very legalistic thought that leads one ot believe that you can ever tell someone what to do without explaining to them why they should do it and expect them to then follow you. The why is more important than the what, and the why is not "because Jesus (and I) say so" but its because Jesus loved us. Missional theology, moral thinking, cultural redemption are all borne out of the love of Christ, and any other source is destined to fail. Chad has some interesting thoughts on this movement. Admittedly he has studied and embraced it much longer than I have. He says that if he were to write a book concerning it he would title it "Reintroducing the Church to Itself" which I think is an apt statement. I personally am hoping to read a good deal on this in the coming months once I depart for Cedar Campus. Books like "The Shaping of Things to Come," "The Divine Conspiracy," and "Confessions of a Reformed Rev," I hope to have on my bookshelf and in my hands in the next months.

I believe that this is an important step for the Church to come to. I believe that its men like Dallas Willard and Mark Driscoll who need to become the outspoken advocates of Christ's body on this earth in place of men like Rick Warren and Pat Robertson and James Dobson. Christ needs to come first, not social ideology or purposeful living, or political power, but Christ, first and last. Perhaps in 300 years people may look back at this time as significant in church history, maybe not, but as long as Jesus is preached, it will not matter.

See also marshillchurch.org.

Give to Caesar what is Caesars.

2006-07-30T07:38:00.000-05:00

Read this article from the New York Times. This is what I'm talking about. People outside this "emerging church" movement won't don't get this. But this guy is saying what he should be saying. The pulpit is no place for politics, and some evangelicals are starting to stand up for that. In Christ's ministry on earth, he never once brought up politics or government except for when we was asked directly about it. Jesus, indeed, Christianity, which if you want to break it down simply means the devoted followers of Jesus, is not about conquering the world through culture or politics or any other means. It's not about forcing the world to accept our moral standards, we can't even accept our moral standards, its not about eliminating sin, its about Jesus, first, last, and forever. If anything, anything overshadows that then it is blocking the work of the gospel and it is evil!

"Mr. Boyd said he never intended his sermons to be taken as merely a critique of the Republican Party or the religious right. He refuses to share his party affiliation, or whether he has one, for that reason. He said there were Christians on both the left and the right who had turned politics and patriotism into “idolatry.”

Amen!

“I am sorry to tell you,” he continued, “that America is not the light of the world and the hope of the world. The light of the world and the hope of the world is Jesus Christ.”

Double that!

Mr. Boyd lambasted the “hypocrisy and pettiness” of Christians who focus on “sexual issues” like homosexuality, abortion or Janet Jackson’s breast-revealing performance at the Super Bowl halftime show. He said Christians these days were constantly outraged about sex and perceived violations of their rights to display their faith in public.

“Those are the two buttons to push if you want to get Christians to act,” he said. “And those are the two buttons Jesus never pushed.”

This is such a profound point. Christians react so negatively to anything they percieve as an attack on their faith because they think they have have some sort of right over others because they are Christians when in fact they should react exactly the opposite. Paul writes "but in humility, consider others better than yourselves." Jesus said, "the world has hated me, so to will it hate you." And he didn't say to lament that or resent it, he said that we are blessed for our persecution for being like Him. How then do you think he reacts, the man who bore the greatest injustice of all time in humility and love, when we are unwilling to humbler ourselves to the point of not being offended when people don't agree. He promised it would happen.

This is what I mean in my recent posts about "conservatism" and "liberalism." That these words are becoming too ingrained in religion when they should have nothing to do with the other. I agree with Pastor Boyd. I think abortion is wrong, and I think homosexuality is not God's ideal, but neither is anything in this world. It's not God's ideal that there should be any sin, and when we try to legislate morality we are missing the point of the gospel. If the gospel were about making a world where no one sinned, we would all be hopelessly damned. Praise God that we have a gospel that doesn't care if we are sinners, it tells us we are, God does not demand morality, he doesn't command you to vote Republican or crusade against abortion, only that you know Him and the work He did saving you on the cross and that you accept a gift you could not earn, forgiveness.

Twitterpated

2006-07-29T04:41:00.000-05:00

Twitterpated... you remember Bambi? That was a good word, I'm glad I read it tonight, and it made me think on somethings a bit. Twitterpation is nice, but oh so hard to come by. And... you know, you act like an idiot for a while, but for a while it is okay, cause there's this person and next to them everything else pales. I don't know how I feel about that as a picture of love, cause love is more gritty, but still, its a nice idea. I've been there, maybe still am :-).

I saw Lady in the Water tonight. It was good, it has recieved bad reviews, and I can see why, but I have to say to those people, what do you expect from your movies. As entertainment the movie shined. Shamalyan is wonderful autor. I love the ambience and nuiance in his movies. I can wholeheartedly recommend Lady in the Water to anyone, but leave your preconceptions at the door. Believe it when it calls itself a bedtime story, go in like a child, and accept what the story gives you. There's meaning to be found underneathe I suppose, but just watching it is oh so fun... I just wish he didn't feel like he had to put in all the tense *jumpy* moments. It's not really a thriller and when he does that he's just playing to all those people who want him to remake The Sixth Sense over and over again. As a filmmaker he has much more to offer than that, and if people would look past what they expect his films to be, they would appreciate that.

Tomorrow is my last day of work at the giftshop. I am somewhat saddened to see it go, it was a nice job, enjoyable even, but the week off for finals will be nice, even if I will be broke. So, the moral of this story is, see Lady in the Water, forget your expectations, and send me money. I love you, gnight.

Quick! Before you Age!

2006-07-27T17:46:00.000-05:00

At the insistence of Chad's latest entry I feel inclinded to write 23 separate thoughts that may or may not be entertaining.

1. My five year class reunion is happening this Saturday in a beer tent in my hometown's summer festival. I will not be going and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

2. The advertising industry is all at once infuriating and wonderful. I really enjoy especially funny or clever ads, but for each of those there are 5 nondescript ones and 10 that insult my intelligence. Especially henious recently are the helio "don't call it a phone" ads. If what I see on tv is any indication, it ought to be really easy for anyone with a shred of intelligence to find a job in advertising.

3. Recently I see theological themes in everything I watch. Of course, I'm the things I'm watching aren't especially subtle in their messages: Kingdom of Heaven, Superman Returns, and Firefly... but still, God is everywhere.

4. People who have their significant other close at hand are spoiled.

5. Reading frequently and for fun is one of the most satisfying and time consuming activities you can engage in. Between my religious reading of the Wheel of Time series and history class this summer I estimate I've read over 3000 pages in the six weeks since I returned from Cedar Campus. Yowza!

6. Yesterday I made two half-hour long walks in the rain and I actually enjoyed them both. Rain is only inconvenient if you let it be.

7. I've been engaging in a lot of politically thinking recently. Not along party or candidate lines, but along theoretical lines and whether I really am conservative. I think that I am not.

8. If I were more idealistic I would be a socialist, but unfortunately I can't muster that much confidence in people.

9. John McCain is the perfect man to be the next president, after that... if not him, then I think I'm moving to England.

10. I want to live in England when I am married. Or some other English speaking foreign nation. Just me and my wife and lots of people with funny accents. Life couldn't be better.

11. Sometimes my friends call me at 6 in the morning, and I answer.

12. I've decided to buy a pipe and become a pipe guy. Lot's of people frown on smoking, but obviously, they have never smoked a pipe. Though I feel odd smoking it where others can see.

13. World of Warcraft is an amazing immersive experience. In terms of storytelling and lore creation, it is really something to be admired, on a par with the tales of Middle Earth or Oz, more so than Oz in fact.

14. It irks me that videogames are not considered worthwhile contributions to the realm of human creativity. Why is wasting 20 hours reading a book considered better for you than 20 hours absorbed in a masterfully crafted game world. In my opinion they are comparable experiences.

15. Is Al Gore going to try to run for President again? I liked him in 2000 but despite his image change I think he's just fanning the flames these days.

16. You cannot legislate morality. Why should I vote for President based on whether or not they support abortion or gay marriage when their job is to take care of things like education and infrastructure.

17. Does anyone really think that republicans are actually more moral than democrats? A republican is pro-life because their part demands it, it reflects nothing on the morality of the person as a whole.

18. I really do not believe that President Bush is as religious as people make him out to be, I love the fact that his offhand comments were caught by that mic at the G8 summit. I like that our president swears in front of other world leaders, and I also hope it shows something of his character to those who think him a Christian role model. Guffaw!

19. Attention mindless liberals: You cannot impeach a president because you do not like him, he has to actually break the law as defined by the legislative body you elected. Live with it, and maybe learn to think for yourselves.

20. It has been a long time since I've been swimming, and strangely, I miss it.

21. I enjoy the way that women conduct conversations more than men, that is to say, I generally enjoy talking with women more than men, cause women listen more.

22. GoodEats is my favorite television show. I really want it on DVD, someday I hope to cook everything that he does on that show. Someday.

23. Christians need to stop worrying and thinking about the rapture. I believe the bible is pretty clear on this. Expect it, but other than that... just live.

That was fun, thanks Chad!

Complexly Intricate and Tangled

2006-07-16T03:24:00.000-05:00

I've written two posts now and deleted them. The jist of my thoughts are this: that we cannot understand this world, we are ignorant and weak passengers, whether we admit it or not. Those who claim the world is simple decieve themselves and are like a blind man on a treadmill, their world will forever remain small. Those who think it complex and shudder can either close themselves off to what they can understand, thereby missing the beauty of intricacy, or head out into the depths of confusion. I have lived much of my life like a man on a treadmill, moving, but not going anywhere. Leaving our small spaces requires understanding the world, and for that we were left a map, but as the world is complex, so too is the map. And if we want to understand it we must trust it and study it. Christianity is complex because the world is complex, and the world is complex because its creator is complex, just as those created in his image, you and I.

If any relationship in this world is going to succeed, it must first come to that. I am complex and you are complex, but in that complexity is simplicity. The Creator, God, Christ. It is only when we understand each other in terms of Christ that we can love, but that is the only simplicity we have. Life is complex, relationships with each other can be no different. If you want to be loved, if you want to be understood, if you want to be validated, go to Jesus, answers are there. I think the greatest gift that we were given in God's image is the ability to question, and the answers our greatest peace. Seek the Answer.

Change is coming.

2006-07-12T03:17:00.000-05:00

I want this space to have a theme, if not of style, then of thought. I want it to be profound, and I want it to be simple. Excuse me while I work on these ideas please...

A quote:

"Eat less, chew more..."
-Eleanor Rosevelt

Here I Go

2006-07-08T03:30:00.000-05:00

I am on my own now. For the first day in perhaps my entire life, I feel that my life is my own. Well, that's relative. But for the first time, I am alone. How dramatic I can be at times. But as my roommate Joey moved out this morning I found myself living alone for the first time. And my thoughts moved into the next few months, what that will look like, what it will feel like, what I will be doing. And I realized, that in a few short weeks, my life will not be bound to school. My life will not be bound to the family I grew up with, or even the college friends that I've made over the last five years. Where I go from here is open, and it is up to me. I was thinking what that will be like. Of all the people I know right now, its not likely that more than one of them will go with me. My life in a year will be filled with people I don't know yet. My friends in the coming year are likely people I haven't met yet. Where I will live and what I will do, are entirely open.

It's amazing in a sense. It's like having an epiphany. I'm an adult. Yipee! What will I do? It's scary, and exciting. I have been watching Lord of the Rings the last few days. And the journey of Frodo and Sam has really impressed upon me a sense of coming of age and the significance of that. Sam and Frodo leave all that they have known to spend a year on a great adventure, into the unknown with unknown people, and when they come back, they are no longer the same, changed, for better or worse. Grown-up, is what I would say. That's where I'm at, I'm setting off on that journey, heading to a place where my childhood is gone. Many feelings go with that. Many I don't want to address.

This week has been a week of looking back. A year ago this week was a very significant week in my life. It was the week that I told Mary how I felt about her, after fireworks on the fourth of July. It was the week that I left my role as a Cedar crew member to start one of the most formative months of my life in SLT. Thinking back to that now makes me realize how fast the years can go by, and makes me think of how short life is. Our years are but a briefly open window, and I am filled with the desire to do more with mine than I have so far. Waiting can be a part of life, but I think sometimes it robs us. What is important to us? They are worth waiting for yes... but not idly. And so, I go to wait, but not idly. This year is my adventure in a sense, to define myself, define my life, and to go after the desires God has breathed into the deepest part of my heart. I started that road today, and I will walk it further tomorrow, but my path is chosen, and perhaps that's where this feeling of freedom comes from. Chosing a path doesn't bind us, not if we've chosen well, it frees us to pursue that path with all God's given us, and to follow his will with a clear view, and a steady tread. Here I go.

Nostalgia

2006-06-28T00:17:00.000-05:00

"so you're gone, but I know you're not so far away
you're a call on the phone or a ride on a plane
but that just isn't the same, but that's okay
cause the older I get the more that life is makin sense
and it's similar to traffic or being president
cause I'm not the one in control"

Why do I always keep coming back to the same songs over and over again? And how can I listen to them and see myself through them in so many different situations? And how has Caedmon's Call managed to write a song to go with almost every stage I've gone through in the last two years?

I am very nostalgic tonight. I want people, a lot of people, or just one person, but both are not to be right now. I was living in the moment, I fear I'm wishing for the future again. Or maybe the past. Either way, it's not where I want to be.

"...and maybe you're the dream I'm waking from,
I see you everywhere I go,
and darling you are such a mystery to me, you know...
don't you know... that love is different than you'd think,
it's never in a song, or on a TV screen,
love is harder than a word said at the right time,
and everything's alright,
love is different than you'd think..."

I'm musing some thoughts very deeply right now. I hate how you almost get an idea out of your head and then someone says something that you can't ignore. Like a sign. Gah. I hate running away from God, and... I miss you.

Evangelicals. Uck.

2006-06-23T11:37:00.000-05:00

/begin rant.

Evangelicals is becoming a dirty word to me. Not that I have a problem with the word itself, the root of which is evangelism, namely telling people the gospel. The problem I have is with the people who call themselves Evangelicals. What happened to Christians? If you tell me you're a Christian, I know what that means. But if you tell me your an Evangelical, I have no idea. What I hear is that you probably have a weak grip of scripture and you run around like a kid with a sword cutting people with the Word of God. Not in all cases, but in some. Take this quote from a recent L.A. Times article.

"Jesus Christ commissioned his disciples to go to the ends of the Earth and tell everyone how they could achieve eternal life."

Well, kindof. What Jesus actually said to his disciples was "Go and make disciples of all nations baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit." Whats the difference you say? Well, Jesus didn't say, "Go tell the gospel to people from every nation." He said to "make disciples." That's a significant difference. And too many (IMO) evangelicals today put far too much on the go and the all nations part and far too little on the "make disciples."

Something that also bugs me is there seeming motivation for all this. They want missionaries in all parts of the world so that Jesus can come back? Um. I really don't think that that's God's will. If Jesus had come to empower us to make his second coming possible, I think he would have mentioned it more in the gospels. These people want so badly the next world, not understanding that the Kingdom and indeed, eternal life, start now. Jesus said, "I come so that you may have life, and have it to the full." It's not a race to heaven, its a race to God, and he's available here and now. Maybe if more evangelicals understood discipleship better, understood God better, this would be better reflected in the world.

"Jews and others who don't accept Jesus, he added matter-of-factly, re toast.'"

Strangely enough, this is my favorite quote from the article. This guy actually has a biblical idea, that Jesus is the only way to God. People get ripped on so frequently for saying that, but we can only echo the words of Christ himself. "I am the way the truth and the light, no one comes to the Father but through me." So many Christians will eschew that in their theology. "Maybe there are other ways to God," or "Jesus is good, but not for everybody." Christians who say that are making Jesus out to be a liar, and personally I dont want to follow a God who lies. And as harsh as it sounds, this guy has a good reason for wanting to evangelize the world. Because lost people, all people, need Jesus. Or they are "toast."

/end rant.

Customer service may still be what it used to...

2006-06-22T13:11:00.000-05:00

In light of the recent story of Vincent Ferrari and his ridiculous conversation with an AOL customer service rep, I thought that I would post somewhat of an antithesis to that and tell you about a recent phone call I made to Amazon.com's customer service.

I didn't so much call them though, as they called me. Amazon has this amazing feature where they don't actually list a phone number. They ask for your phone number through a web interface and promise a call when an operator is available. I can't believe that someone didnt think of this sooner. Instead of calling and wading through menus and getting put on hold I just sat here, free to do whatever while I waited their call. I was skeptical at first, but 3 minutes later the phone rang and I was put through to "Rodger." I explained to Rodger the reason for my call. I was just charged $79 to renew my Amazon.com Prime membership (which I was not aware I had) and I wanted to know why and if I could cancel it and get a refund.

Rodger started by explaining why I was charged, apparently some time back I signed up for a 3 month trial for Amazon Prime and never cancelled it. At that point I was sure I was toast, they had my money and I was liable, it was over. To my great surprise it was not over. Rodger looked into my account and found it had not been used since the charge and told me that they would refund my checking account within two business days. That simple. Through all of this Rodger was patient and helpful, and I walked away from it amazed. Good customer service does still exist. Huh.

Summer in the City

2006-06-16T12:42:00.000-05:00

What a week can do. My first week back in Champaign has been a satisfying one. It hasn't gone too fast, and it hasn't drug on either, it's taken a nice amount of time, I feel like I'm enjoying life here and now, and not being rushed through things. Living in the moment, what a novel idea. Anyway, this week has seen the start of many things. A lot of bureacratic housecleaning, and I'm pleased to say that it appears as if the problems with the school are being resolved. I was assured by several people that my appeal would go favorably and they just approved my withdraw requests for last semester. So praise the Lord eh.

Classes and work also began this week, and so far, so good. Nothing much to report. Work is enjoyable and I think I'll have enough hours to pay all my bills (fingers crossed there) and I found a bus route that makes it really easy to get there and back with a minimal travel time. Classes are going to be interesting, but not very challenging. Almost all my grades are test grades, 80% of my political science class and 60% of my Spanish class. Joy. But neither seems like it will be hard. I'm enjoying the research that I'm doing for my History research class quite a bit. I'm studying the families which were involved in the War of the Roses and writing a paper on the family as a political unit in late medieval England. Which is a good deal more exciting than it may sound, at least it is to me.

For entertainment I've been playing World of Warcraft with Joey and watching the series Firefly on my computer. Firefly has really amazed me so far, great acting, great writing, great dialogue and storytelling. It is a superb series. It's also impressively deep; there are so many themes the show explores, its sci-fi, but also explores themes of family, loyalty, salvation, and mercy. I've been enthralled by it so far, and some of the one-liners it offers are hillarious.

"Do you know what the chain of command is? That's the chain I'm gonna get and beat you with until you understand who's in command here!"

Ha. I love it. Its a ship full of noble pirates, a priest, a prostitute, and a mental patient. Tell me that's not a reciepe for awesomeness. Ye. Ha.

And things with Mary are greatly improved. I think a lot of the confusion that we were going through last week has been resolved. We aren't back together now, but neither are we apart like we were. We've reached a good place where we can move forward with our individual lives and we're going to work on building the friendship side of our relationship while she's overseas and when she returns, we'll see where we stand. I think it will be hard not to be seeing her for the next 6 to 9 months, but I'm trying hard to view it as an oppurtunity to grow in many areas while we are apart.

So, that's my life right now, and probably for the next 2 months. It could be a long time, but it could also be a transformative time also. And I plan on taking it on, hour by hour. Fare thee well friends, adios!

What a long strange trip its been.

2006-06-09T09:36:00.000-05:00

In the month that's passed since the last entry my life has taken a turn into drama land. One thing after another has tested my faith and endurance and I can say that as I'm coming out of it that (hopefully) that God has been faithful in pouring out his Grace to me. In early April I was a guy who thought he had it all figured out. 6 weeks to graduation... a great girl by my side... and the whole world ahead of me. Then one back injury, breakup, and ten thousand bureacratic nightmares later my life is completely different. I'm bruised and broken down, but at a place where I feel I can see clearly. I think I recognize the grace and faith that God has given me even more clearly when I put things plainly like that. Thats the truth has harshly as I can say it, and when I can say it and still rejoice in where I am this moment I realize the depth of faith that God has given me.

School has been my biggest headache this month. Between trying to straighten out everything that happened during my back injury and get caught up and withdrawn from the classes I needed to drop things were crazy. Then my withdrawls got held up and didn't beat the grades to the dean's office. So I failed 13 of 16 credit hours which prompted the University to drop me not even checking to see that they forms which explained my abscences and withdrawls were already on file in the office that issued the decision to drop me. So I am currently going through a massive appeal so that I can remain a student long enough to pass the 9 hours I need to graduate now. I don't know how that will turn out. If they deny my appeal I will be dropped as a student and have to wait one year to reenroll so I take take 9 more hours. Alternatively I could enroll elsewhere, but I would need 2 years of classes to get the 60 hours that most colleges require to give a degreee from their institution. All in all, a massive headache. There have been times that I just have wanted to hide, to run away and forget school and life, but I haven't. I've appealed and now I'm going back to Champaign to attend classes, with the hope that God will bless that course of action and I will graduate. I can only hope and pray and do my best.

Cedar has been a welcome reprieve, it was a good week I spent here with my chapter after finals. I got to say goodbye in a good subtle way and really release that chapter of my life. There are still people there that I will love and be friends with forever, but I know that that season of our friendship is over. After Focus Week I had a nice weekend in Grand Rapids and Cleveland with Mary. She was amazing during graduation. It's a side of her I seldom get to see, student president Mary Horning. I liked it, she is such an amazing woman and an amazing speaker. She was not only the only person on the stage under 40, she was also the only woman too. I was beaming. After graduation and a day in Cleveland unpacking we headed up to Cedar Campus on Tuesday. The car ride up here was amazing, I've never known someone I can enjoy time with so much. 8 hours passed like the blink of an eye and we saw some awesome little places and spent some time at a couple beautiful beaches before we got here. Our time at Cedar was less wonderful however. We knew that Cedar would be a time of deep examination for us as a couple and we planned on doing a lot of in depth talking, but I wasn't prepared for what happened next.

Following a long conversation on Wednesday night we decided to end, at least temporarily, our relationship. I'm not going to talk about the details here, but it has been a hard few weeks since then. That said, I still love her and she still loves me, and I think that if God intends for us to be married, we will be, and he's leading me to a place to trust Him in this relationship. We've talked several times since then and Mary is still my best friend and I believe that someday we will be together again, but now I'm just learning patience to wait on God's timing.

Cedar has been a good place to be during that time, the people here are different, but attitudes aren't and I've had a lot of good godly people to bounce ideas off of and receive advice from. This place is special, and despite the somewhat painful memories I do have here now, I still love this place deeply. I've used the time to examine much of myself. My goals, me beliefs, my future, my relationships. It's been well used time. I think I could write pages right now one culture and theology, doctrine and Jesus, but I won't just yet. There was a time in my life when it completely revolved around loving God and his Word and doing what he wanted. Over time things snuck in and complicated that and the last two months have systematically stripped all those things away and I have found that place again, with a newfound appreciation for what it means to stay there. For that, I am happy and joyful and eager to give God the praise. We don't grow by being safe and content, and neither are trials meant to break us, only to break the hard and brittle parts of our hearts that Christ means to reform. It hurts, but the rewards are enough recompence.

Until next time, good bye friends.

Footage of Mario and Metroid from the Floor at E3!!!

2006-05-10T15:01:00.000-05:00

Oh man... drool.... no words, should have sent a poet ;-)

Super Mario Galaxy

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption

Zelda footage coming soon, but we are still waiting for some news on Super Smash Bros. Wii. Check back.

Too busy to blog?

2006-05-08T04:53:00.000-05:00

This week is turning out to be just a bit too hectic to spend any time writing down my thoughts in earnest. I've got a couple entries floating around in my head, hopefully I'll be posting on them soon. I want to do an entry on an article I read about the Catholic church in China and the Vatican going to war with them and another about the new film United 93. Look for those in the next week or so. This week starts with a final tomorrow morning and ends with a paper due Friday afternoon and about a million things in between there. Only in college do they expect you to do 60% of your semesters work, tie up every lose in imaginable, and move out of your place all in the same week.

Anyway, check out my newest internet addiction: digg.com. And! E3 starts this week! I will definitely be posting my thoughts on Nintendo's press conference Tuesday night and I'll be linking to stories coming out of E3 all week. And I hate to say it but I think the Wii is growing on me. Audibly it is still dubious, but as a visual symbol it really works well, and who will care once we see the games. My last prediction for the Wii? A $199 launch in early September.

The Little moments...

2006-05-02T04:49:00.000-05:00

These are the last few weeks of life as I know it. My last days as an undergrad in the dorms. My last days with all these people around that I've been privledged enough to know and call my friends. I will be here taking classes this summer, but I will never again live in a community like this. Probably won't use a bunkbed as my primary bed ever again. I won't have the oppurtunity to walk down the hall or upstairs at 2 in the morning and play Smash Brothers with someone else who can't sleep. I'm a little frightened of leaving this life, and a little scared of missing out on cashing in these last few weeks.

The last week or so I haven't been sleeping much. If you check the timestamps on these blogs you'll probably notice a lot of 4 and 5am entries. Something in me just doesn't want to go to bed. I know that these are the last days and I'm trying to soak them up. I remember my first night spent in the dorms... something like 5 years ago. Up all night, finally free of parents and siblings... under a new roof with little supervision. I stayed up until 3 or 4 in the morning, enjoying broadband internet for the first time in my life and getting used to my new room. Funny how things change but don't really get any different. I'm still doing that, and maybe more frequently than before. I know it can't last, and I'm prepared for that. Last summer I was in bed by 11 so frequently that it amazed myself, and I know that when that lifestyle makes itself needed I will adapt to it. But I will miss this. There's something about these early morning hours that just makes everything seem smaller.

I want to try these next 11 days to make the most of my remaining time. I want to stay up all night, have long talks with friends, go to the bars, cram 20 page papers into 3 days of solid work and generally just live life to it's fullest. I don't want to spend them cramming and studying and missing out on my last chance to connect with my good friends. Maybe I should be sleeping when they sleep then eh? I don't know. I don't know. I know that I will miss this. If it weren't for having to take the summer classes 'cause of my back, tomorrow would be my last class ever as an undergrad. I feel like I should chronicle that some way... take pictures, journal, something. I sort of realized this week that a lot of things are over. IV stuff has wound down. I've been to my last large group, small group and area prayer, all without really noticing. I've probably already seen several people that have become good acquaintences for the last time and didn't even know it. I don't want the significance of these things to be lost, but I don't want to mourn their passing either. I am excited for life after college. I am excited for working, for doing something practical, I am very excited about where things with Mary are headed. To me, a life where I can live in the same town as my girlfriend and see her everyday is like... a gift from God every day, and I can't wait for that stuff. But I will miss this life and these people. Very much.

Fame and coming soon... fortune?

2006-05-01T17:59:00.000-05:00

I was recently editorialized in an article by Susan C. Thompson for a national newsmagazine on higher education, National Crosstalk. I think she did a pretty good job, there's a few inaccuracies, but all in all I was pleased. If you'd like to read it you can find it at the link below.

National Crosstalk, Spring 2006

Let's go Wii!

2006-04-29T08:07:00.000-05:00

So, like most people, my initial reaction to Nintendo's new name for their upcoming console was pretty dubious. I mean, it's the Wii. As in "we." Like us inclusive. Like pee. It's a weird name for a console. I mean, at first you think... "am I going to call it the Wii?" Like, "hey guys, come over and play some Wii!" It just is weird. The internet is going crazy with bloggers and gaming sites trashing Nintendo. No one likes it no one. Everywhere people are arguing about what a stupid name it is and how Nintendo has finally made the huge mistake that is going to crumble them in the face of Sony and Microsoft.

Then I thought... wait a second. It's two weeks from E3, the biggest event in the gaming world, and all anyone in the industry is talking about is the Wii. Nintendo are a bunch of geniuses! I actually had an hour long discussion with a group of my friends in the dorms tonight about the name "Wii." And in the end we all agreed that if it comes out at under $200, plays all the old Nintendo games we miss and offers some new and fun gameplay... we are all going to be lining up to buy it when it comes out. Something that none of us would say about the PS3 or Xbox 360.

Personally I think it would be brilliant for Nintendo if this were all a big joke. In some ways it is, but I just can't imagine a company worth billions of dollars would actually name a console something that sits so absolutely horribly with its fans. I mean, this is why they have marketing research, to tell them that if you name your console Wii, people will laugh at you. And so consider this...

Nintendo announced this name two weeks before E3 for no other reason than to stir up debate, and in that they have succeeded beautifully. This is reinforced by the sheer laughability of the name and the fact that according to several gaming news sites and blogs, Nintendo hasn't registered the trademark "Wii" with any marketing organizations in the US or Japan. So, as the hype builds around the name Nintendo, tight lipped as always, hits E3 with a fully functional console and a huge build of games, culminating in their 2 hour press conference at center stage of E3.

Imagine this... the Wii emblem glowing over the crowd of journalists and fans, boos and cheers alike drowning out the noise... then... the emblem implodes revealing.... well, I don't know, but something besides Wii. The people that hated Wii will love the new name, whatever it is. The one's that had come to grips with it won't find it hard to get over the short lived Wii. Shockwaves will ripple through the gaming news channels. And still... it's not over yet. They can go on to show off the first glimpses of all new Mario and Zelda games, new and wacky gameplay mechanics, their new online distribution and matching service and the list of thousands of games that will be available to download with the new console. And then, when the crowd is on their heels they announce the price. $199? $149? Either way, with the price point of the 360 at $399 and the PS3 projected to be $499 or higher the crowd will be floored. And just as everyone prepares to walk away, the final bombshell. The Wii, The Revolution, The Console will be available ahead of schedule... get your very own this summer.

It would be a publicity coup! No matter how amazing the graphics of the PS3 and Xbox titles, Nintendo would own the show and the headlines for weeks. A company releases a bogus name to stir discussion and fools everyone... thats free publicity in every news publication in the western world for a week! Combined with the price point, retro angle, and imminent availability, the gaming world would be in a frenzy. Talk about a way to generate some powerful publicity.

Now, I might be wrong. Maybe Nintendo is really going to call it the Wii. And maybe we will all get used to it. But something tells me that the big N didn't get where it is by being stupid. And... Revolution or Wii, I'll still be standing in line to get mine, and with any luck I'll be wearing shorts while I wait.

The Day is Mine

2006-04-29T07:10:00.000-05:00

I want so much for this blog to be meaningful. It's hard for me to distinguish between what ramblings I would list as being my day to day thoughts, and those topics which I might really feel moved to write something significant about. I have this toy of a thought in my head. It tells me that I can write things that people want to read, and that maybe, with enough practice, that I could be good at it and make money. Toys are fun, but the thing about them is, you either have to grow up, or find more professional toys. That's what I feel like right now, I'm searching for some way to "grow up" and still keep all my toys. I've enjoyed this college life, but I also feel it's futility. Like playing with a day you've outgrown, it might still be fun, but you see the end, and you know there's not really a point anymore. I am ready for something more practical, but I feel trapped here in a lot of ways.

I am ready to transition to the world of the living and working alumni, but that's a transition that fills me with trepidation. The world out there is appealing, and so many of my life goals are out there, but to me it's like crossing one of those little rope bridges, its not the other side I fear, it's the crossing. Mary and I have been talking recently about dreams and goals. We both have a number of them, and we share a number of them, but one that she has that I don't have and can't find is the career dream. I've never wanted a specific career. I've always felt like I would be able to tackle whatever came my way and that whatever that was, if I could be good at it and enjoy it, that would be enough. Recently though I've begun thinking about purpose. Now, I don't think that you have to find purpose in your career, but I don't think it can hurt. I mean, if you are going to spend forty or fifty years of your life doing something, it should matter, and you should be suited to it.

Which begs the question... what am I suited for? Now here I am open for suggestions. I have a bin full of ideas in my head, but what do you think? (I'm asking for suggestions here, seriously, you should comment.) Like I said above, I have this toy idea that I'm a good writer. I also happen to think that have an innate ability to understand certain concepts and explain them in ways that people can relate to. I think I'm a good planner and organizer and that I work well with people. I also know that I don't want my career to consume my life, I want to care, but I want be able to "leave it at the office," so to speak. I know that I need to work in proximity with others, I may not be the most chatterly guy, but I need people around me to give me energy. Now, to me that doesn't really sound like any specific career. Teaching still appeals to me, but I don't feel passionate about it. Writing appeals to me, but I'm not sure I'm talented enough in that area. I'm curious, what do my friends think?

Perspective Part II

2006-04-25T09:43:00.000-05:00

In the last post I talked alot about perspective, but I think I may have spoken too soon in some ways. I'm having a really hard time right now dealing with the repercussions of this back injury. And I think I'm letting fear and anger get the best of me right now. I could conceivably end up earning only 3 credit hours for this semester, which would require me to stay her even longer then this summer, and cost me thousands of extra dollars. It's going to take a lot of favorable circumstances and hard work for me to come away from this in decent shape and right now it feels like an unclimbable mountain. That may be the negative view of things, but right now I am really struggling with it, and I don't feel okay with the possibility that this last semester could just be all for naught.

I understand that it doesn't matter in a large scale sort of way, but the problem is that right now, it does matter to me. A lot apparently. I don't want to be here in the fall. I don't really want to be here in the summer. And I hate that right now graduation seems like an unreachable goal. In my history 354 class I am going to be missing anywhere from 15-30% off my final grade before I even start, which is going to require me to do very well on the final to pass. Honestly if this were my sophomore year or junior year I would probably take medical incompletes in these classes and make them up later, but I really don't have that option right now, I'm in these, for good or bad at this point. I'm meeting with that professor later today to see about making up the in class presentation through some other assignment and I can only hope that she shows me some grace there. I'm pretty convinced that it's going to take a miracle for me to pass Spanish now too. I have a C+ in that class, but I missed 3 online assignments the first week I was injured, and by the time the final rolls around I'll have missed the last 4-5 weeks of class so I'll have to teach myself all the material for it and pray for rain on the oral exam. I am just praying to get by with a D, how sad is that?

One of the hardest parts is that even though I'm feeling good enough to do some things, many things even, I can't really work at 100% right now. I need to be meeting with the emergency dean, professors, and my advisor to work out my options and make the most of this situation, but the problem is that I still can't really walk that far, at least not all at once. Most of this is just aimed at doing something about the helplessness and frustration I'm feeling right now. And pretty much all I can do at the moment is vent about it here, so don't read this and think that I'm horribly off, just at the moment I'm having a hard time seeing the silver lining.

Perspective

2006-04-21T02:47:00.000-05:00

I think that when we get too wrapped up in our own lives we lose perspective on what life really is. Life is so much larger than each of us... "No man is an island," perhaps you've heard it put before, but the danger is that we often can't see out of our own little sphere, and when that happens it's good to remember that there are others walking with us. I've been obsessing and worrying a bit privately recently. As a result of my recent back injury I've missed a large amount of classes this semester, and I may end up having to withdraw from some of my classes for medical reasons. At first this just compounded my frustration at having hurt my back and being stuck in a bed for 3 weeks. When you spend the better part of 3 weeks lying in bed with few people around you really can work up your mind. My mind had recently been wondering how I would possibly accomplish all the work that remains to be done this semester without putting too much of a strain on my still very fragile back. I've become so focused on this... so focused on graduating, on other people's expectations of me, that I've forgotten that the date on my diploma really doesn't mean anything.

Yes, I'd like to finish school. Yes, I'd like to get started in the "real world." But no, it's not the end of the world if I have to stay here to take summer courses. It's not the end of the world if it takes me five and a half years to finish school. It feels like failure now perhaps, but I am going to graduate with a degree from a Big Ten school, even if it ends up taking me a while longer. It's not that important. I've got the rest of my life to worry about the rest of my life, I'm going to concentrate on now, and now means one more semester of summer courses in Champaign. That's okay.

We had a speaker tonight at IV large group who really gave me some perspective; he actually sparked a lot of thoughts for me, but in particular he said something that really made me stop feeling sorry for myself and my "inconviencing injury." He told us a story about his son, a young man who had lost his way and gotten wrapped up in a life of drugs and poor decisions. His son one day found out his girlfriend was cheating on him and took a 9mm pistol, put it in his mouth and pulled the trigger. He lived. The speaker told us with tears in his eyes what it was like in the ICU waiting to hear what would happen to his only son. The pain and suffering in his eyes was obvious, and yet that man was able to conduct himself with joy and confidence in his faith in Christ. I went to large group thinking that it might give me some advice to deal with the depression and worry I'm feeling in the wake of this back injury, but I got more than that, I got a kick in the butt.

What is this injury besides 3 weeks of annoying pain and dependence on my friends. Yay, my back hurts, and it's humbling to have to ask people to help me do things... but is it as humbling as it would be for the creator of the world to come and be killed by the people and things he created? Is it as painful as watching your son struggling for life or being hung on a cross? If it continues for another month or year even, is it going to change the fact that I live in a country full of freedom and food and prosperity? Is it going to change the fact that I have been given new life in Christ? No. It's not. It's a trial, sure, but this injury, staying in Champaign another 3 months, postponing a career and family a couple of months... what is that going to change in the big picture?

Sometimes we just need to look around our little islands and notice that we're not the only ones and be thankful that the water isn't higher. I think I'm beginning to understand how David could praise God after the death of his son in 2 Samuel and the words to Blessed be Your Name. The Lord gives and takes away, and when we can't see the sense in it, maybe we just need to trust that we are not the author of this story.

Elizabethtown is...

2006-04-15T01:49:00.000-05:00

An amazing film. I borrowed it from Bryan a couple of weeks ago and just tonight ended up watching it with Matzo, Jonell and Ryan upstairs. I'm sorry I waited so long. It was a really good movie. It was able to make me simultaneously laugh out loud and be introspective. It was not so emotional as I expected, but it was real in a very ideal way. What do I mean by that? Well, I mean that it is all completely plausible, but only in a very perfect setting. No one talks like them really, but people could if they said what they wanted or had the time to go back and think about it. There were a number of moments where I was the main character, and a number of moments where I was thankful that I wasn't. It made me think alot about relationships in my life. Especially with my Dad and Mary. I've never really thought about what a blessing it is for them to know each other, for her to know that part of me. And I don't think enough about what a blessing it is to have the oppurtunity to take rides with my dad and talk. I can think of several roadtrip talks my dad and I have had over the years, and the trip at the end of the movie would be custom made for us I think. I think the point is that you can be buddies with your dad someday I want to have that relationship with my son. I'm glad that I watched it, and I hope to soon acquire the soundtrack and the DVD eventually. It was that good, something I want to watch again... something I want to share with my dad, and Mary. A five out of five.

What is scientology anyway?

2006-04-14T18:24:00.000-05:00

Yikes, I just spent ninety minutes reading up on Scientology and boy is it creepy. But it makes me wonder, just how desperate for truth do people have to be to get caught up in something like that when the gospel should be right in front of them. It makes me sad.

Here's one of the articles I read, from TIME magazine in the early 90's. Link.

Mary's new website!

2006-04-14T18:23:00.000-05:00

www.maryhorning.com
yup. could she be any more talented? <3

My Review of The Alchemist

2006-04-14T18:00:00.000-05:00

I just finished The Alchemist. And while its a beautiful and fantastically crafted narrative (I read it in two sittings), I simply disagree with most of it. The book evokes a feeling of truth, and it's not hard to imagine that what it says is true. But ultimately I look at what the book is telling me..."One's only obligation in life is to realize one's destiny." Well, that depends. I don't believe in omens, I don't believe in luck, and I don't believe in divination... even the biblically sanctioned divination that The Alchemist discusses. I don't believe that the universe conspires to help people reach their Personal Legends, and I don't believe that all that was created by the hand of God has the same soul in it. In many ways the book angered me, because while I do believe that we all have a personal calling from God and that very few people actually take up the call and seek that path, I have a hard time reconciling that with the simplicity of Santiago's Personal Legend in The Alchemist.

Some of the biggest things that I can't endorse in The Alchemist are 1) the idea that true happiness is only found in seeking and realizing your Personal Legend (as its presented in The Alchemist), 2) that you should listen to your heart and let it guide you, and 3) the notion that there is one perfect match to your soul that you will meet if you pursue your goal and the connotations of "love at first sight" that that brings up.

1.) True happiness is found in God, and while The Alchemist comes close to this by saying that "all those who he saw were happy he realized had part of God in them," it ultimately indicates that if you aren't chasing this one certain dream.. you can never be happy, you can never realize your "potential for evolution" as from lead to gold in alchemy. There are many purposes you can pursue and be happy. The bible clearly states that man's only purpose is to bring glory to God and rejoice in Him. Thats it, there are as many ways to fulfill that as there are grains of sand and stars combined and then some... but the fact is that only in bringing God glory and not just in seeing God's glory can we find fulfillment and happiness.

2.) Your heart is a traitor. The boy in The Alchemist realizes this, but the Alchemist tells him that "your heart is only a traitor when you stop listening to it." I don't like this line of thinking. When we come into this world our hearts are not capable of leading us. Our hearts are deceitful and malicious, full of every kind of evil according to the bible. Our hearts become hard like stone when we close them off to God and they will only lead us to ruin and death if we listen to them. It is only when we recieve a transformed heart from God that our hearts, through the Spirit, are able to guide us. Listening to your heart and not God's heart will only bring you to pain. Now there is room to draw the parallel that our hearts recognize this void and that emptiness might bring us to God... to the source of happiness, but I don't think that parallel is drawn in The Alchemist.

3.) When the boy meets Fatima he experiences love at first sight, as if the "Soul of the World" were speaking to him through the "Language of the World" that Fatima is the only woman he would ever need in his life. I like that idea, but no the situation. I don't think that there is a perfect match for us out there... I think there is someone that God has chosen as a spouse for all those that are meant to be married, but I don't think that one person matches your soul infinitely better than all others, or that you can know that in a glance. Maybe sometimes that could happen through revelation, but I think if you live your life like that... trusting in the "Language of the World" to show you who to love, you will miss out on a lot of good people, and you will end up covering up a lot of bad characteristics.

That said, I didn't dislike the book. It's a good read, but read it cautiously. I wouldn't recommend that young people read this book, and I don't recommend that you read this book unless you know firmly what you believe. It was fun to read, gripping and exciting, and with elements of truth in it. One line that it uses over and over is straight out of the gospel of Matthew... "where one's heart is, there is one's treasure also." That is true... and indeed many parts of this book borrow from the Truth and weave it in and out, but many parts also borrow from lies and misleading teachings. In the end that's all I can say... The Alchemist, like so much very good literature, speaks of the Truth in some ways, but if you turn to this book for Truth, you will be sorely mislead. And that's all I have to say about that.